The bigger plan

We take so much in life for granted that we never realise that some of these things can be taken away in an instant. Even through no fault of our own we can lose something that we didn’t even know was so precious to us till it’s gone. Some things lost or gone can never be regained yet it can shape and destine our future forever. Perhaps one day we will come to understand and know what the bigger plan was. Maybe it’s bigger than any of us can ever imagine but one things for sure God gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

Here There Everywhere

Where are you?
What are you doing?
How was your day?
Did you think of me?
Did I cross your mind?
Did your heart miss a beat?
Did you miss me?
Feel the despair?
The tug on your heart?
The pain?
The loneliness?
Did you squeeze your eyes close and shake your head? Trying to erase me from your mind.
From your heart.
I won’t go so easily you know that don’t you?
I’m there under your skin in your blood in your veins in your sweat in your head.
Im pouring out of you.
I dance in your heart.
Im running through every nerve in your body.
As if I’ve touched you and electric jolts pass through you. I’m there, there and there I’m everywhere and I’m not going anywhere….

Silently Walk Away

I think of you
Yearn to hear your voice
Even just a hello
How are you
Just once just today
Then I remember
The hurt and pain
You caused
Each and every way
I’m neither here
Nor there
And I make the choice
Once again
I sigh with a heavy heart
And silently walk away…

My Heart An Enemy A terrorist!

20131018-150413.jpg

It’s amazing how time passes and in our hearts we are still standing still. Sometimes just waiting and hoping and sometimes simply because we can’t move on.

Wouldn’t it be great that when we make a decision in our heads which we know is right, our hearts would follow too?

It could be anything from simple matters to the affairs of the heart. I find myself in this turmoil many a time. Where my heart says something and my head is off in the opposite direction or vice versa.

Common sense prevails but the heart doesn’t understand this. It beats inside of me, it’s mines, yet it leads me into turmoil, heartache and pain. Very often I think my heart is my enemy, it goes against me on most decisions I make. When I let it have it’s own way it dances in my chest and beats a million beats to a minute. It won’t let me sleep eat or drink. It makes me goofy at times, speechless and very very dumb. Sometimes I think I’m flying, soaring above everything and everyone. No one can touch me I’m invincible. Or so I thought.

It’s almost like it’run out of petrol. Somewhere in your head there’s a voice telling you it’s not going to last very long. You will come down, you will crash, this dancing has to stop and sure enough it does.

It’s very painful knowing you knew better but followed your heart anyway. It’s excruciating trying to kick yourself for it but, no worries plenty of people around to do it for you. To remind you how incredibly dumb you are. The thing is, you knew it was the wrong way to go but, at this point it’s now irrelevant.

Nothing matters of what you knew because, if u didn’t have the power to not make irrational decisions then, where u going to find the power now to fix them or get over them?

All I can say is, there is no bigger terrorist in this world than your very own heart and if I didn’t need it so much I’d have shot it long ago.

Where Are My Tomorrows.

My sweet love,
missing you 
missing you so much 
Reaching out, 
missing you 
missing your touch. 

My sweet darling, 
your sea of sorrows are drowning
drowning me another death. 
Dry your eyes, 
think of life 
think of your tomorrows. 

You were my life, 
you were not just my yesterday 
You were my every breath 
my everyday. 

My soul dies a million deaths 
watching you 
from the heavens above. 
Be brave, 
learn to live again 
for me my sweet love. 

How can pain be so sweet 
yet hurt so much. 
When I reach out 
and can't find you 
can't find your sweet loving touch. 

Shhhh you will always 
dance inside my soul, 
eternity is ours. 
I'm counting the weeks 
days and hours. 
Again you will be mine, 
forever till the end of time. 

My dreams 
my thoughts 
a sweet bitter melody 
All in your sweet 
loving painful memory. 

Dry your tears 
Let me be the one 
Who still takes Away your fears. 
Your sorrows Who gives you back your tomorrows. 
You are mine 
forever mine 

There is no door 
No stairs to you 
To dance in your soul 
Don't try to console me 
Just words 
empty words 
This soul is forever lost 
Gone forever gone... 

Oh my sweet love 
my darling love 
Have faith in the 
Heavens above 
The angels too hear your cries 
Here in paradise. 
Patience my love 
My sweet sweet love. 

I beg you to set me free 
Of this pain and memory 
My heart my soul 
can no long bear 
this desire 
Smouldering smoking fire
Embers n Ashes
Dust to dust

I’m doing just fine.

There is nothing in this world that doesn’t remind me of you. There is always something.

A moment, a song, a person, just about anything and everything. It’s forgetting you when there is nothing to forget. People want to forget bad memories, bad moments, pain and heartbreak, but there is none of that here, not with you.

The memories are good ones and none I want to forget. Even the bad memories have become good memories.

Even the pain of losing you has slowly become a sweet welcome pain, anything to just feel something where you used to be. To take away the numbness and dullness I feel inside.

You once said to me… life goes on, no one and nothing stands still for anyone… you were so right.. life does go on but my heart is frozen in time. No one has waited for anyone but I still wait for you.  Just for that memory and face to fade away, which I know it never will.

I want you to know I’m doing fine and always will be. Life has taught me a lot and I’ve learned a lot too. I don’t want you to worry about me and think these tears never go away because there are times I miss you and want you. I don’t want these tears to stop because I’m afraid if they do I will stop missing you too.

Can You Deal With Someone Else’s Pain?

Very often when we put walls up around us it’s to protect ourselves from any more emotional pain. We close ourselves in and tie ourselves up in padlocks and chain. 

It’s when we can’t bear anymore and don’t want anymore to deal with. Those walls keep everyone out and very often it works. It’s easier to block people out and keep them from touching your raw wounds inside.

There is always a reminder there of what you are burying deep inside you. And why do we bury things rather than deal with them? Is it because it’s easier and a cowards way out? Or is it just too painful?

Many a time our emotional pain is too much to deal with and if we are to function in a normal society and get on with life we need to bury it. There is no time to stop and deal with our issues and many a time we need to.

When you are told to pick yourself up and make yourself busy and get on with life. While it may work for some and that’s exactly what they need, for others it’s not. There is a time line for everyone and it’s different for each individual.

Some things need to be dealt especially if you are mourning or trying to get over a major issue in your life. When we block things out and bury them deep we are just buying time, eventually these things will come to bite you on the ass.

But anyway this is nothing new and I think most of you know all this. What I want to really talk about is the people who come along in your life and want to be let in. The ones who want to break down these walls and strip back everything to see the depths of those bleeding wounds gushing with ooze from your tortured soul.

Just because you want to be close to someone and need to be close to them, you ask them to let you in and when they refuse you try to knock those emotional barriers down that have been put up. When that doesn’t work you then slowly slowly start to chip away subtly to get in, just for your own satisfaction. 

Don’t get me wrong I bet some of  you have good intentions, but have you ever stopped to think if this person isn’t letting someone in they may also be trying to keep something from getting out?

When those walls are put up very often it’s not to keep from letting others hurt you again but those walls very often keep in a lot of emotions and pains aswell. Things that can’t be dealt with, things that require energy that you don’t have. Things that you need to face up to yet find it too painful to even think about. 

And when you start chipping away at those walls you release the vapours that resemble volcanic gasses. More chipping starts the slow simmering of an eruption that will eventually proceed to an explosion that you yourself probably weren’t expecting and before you know you will have a full Krakatoa on your hands. Nothing you are equipped to deal with or planned on dealing with. 

You think you have an emotional head case on your hands and regret getting involved. Or simply you are not interested in someone elses problems and prepare to run. Not realising that she/he wasn’t an emotional basket case until you activated the sleeping bomb. Poked and prodded till you got a reaction from them to confirm that you had got into their head and heart. That you had reached that level deep within where are there is something that is best left alone. 

When you see the lava of overflowing emotions you will wonder what the hell happened and want to run a mile and you probably will. But listen…

While you are wearing out your jimmy choos/las coste trainer trying to outrun those lava of emotions do please remember that next time you try to get into someone’s head and heart be prepared for the escape of compressed gasses of emotions.

If you don’t have the stamina or maturity to be in such a relationship then it’s best you keep out. Don’t manipulate someone for your gains without thinking of the consequences because if someone is not letting you in it’s because there is no room for you at the Inn. Not because it’s full but simply because you don’t belong amongst the baggage that already sits there. 

Remember when you knock and there is no answer dont try to sneak in through the back door, just leave well alone and walk away.