Secret Diaries Of Him part 1 

Id made the fake account on Facebook to try and see if Raj was upto no good because lately he’d been distant and not talking much. Call it paranoia or wherever it was really starting to get to me. One should never do internet relationships but hell little did I know I was about to enter another that would consume the next five years of my life. 

The fake account was ready I’d called her Rosie and given her a very eye catching picture. She’d defo catch Raj’s eye once I’d put her in the right places. All I now needed was a few Fb buddies to make the account look real. 

I sent a few random requests and then one guy in particular caught my eye. He was American and the idea that he was in a different time zone seemed perfect. If we got chatting he’d be around when my other buddies weren’t late at night. It would mean I’d always have someone to chat to when I’m bored. Friend request sent to Nawaz Ahmed…. 

Men’s rules… funny stuff!

I have posted a few girly lists here on my blog and they have been well perceived. So I have decided to give the male species a chance to have their say…

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

If we can read your minds then you can read ours… stop making excuses for being ignorant!

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

It was designed to stay down to sit on, which you men can do very easily. It’s a bit hard for a female to stand up and do her business! So.. down it stays!

4. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Okay we can grant you that one, leer if you must.  We females are confident enough to deal with the fact that you men have some sad fantasies that will never come true. So let us indulge you!

5. Crying is blackmail.

Crying is when you show you just how insensitive and inconsiderate you are of our feelings.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

And even that doesn’t work! How about you put the remote down and your phone and listen to us for once!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

If you ever hear them…

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Yes and please keep in mind we don’t want you to get up and try to sort it for us or bark orders to us on how to sort it… just a normal conversation will suffice… and hey we wont be doing the sympathy either for you in future… keep it mind!

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

Works both ways mister!

10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

Yes babes you are losing your hair, you are stupid, you do have love handles and you do have smelly breath!

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

And if we said you were the best, we were just saying that to make you feel better.  Oh and the neighbour is better looking!

12. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

If you could do one thing properly without messing it up… we wouldn’t need to…

13. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

And please when we are sleeping… refrain from waking us up!

14. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

So why do you always get lost then? It’s not that hard to find!

15. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

You have no idea what anything is…  but the colours of your football team!

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

Yes forget manners and the fact you look like dogs when you do it!

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

And next time you come home from work in a grumpy mood… remind us not to coax your woes of the day out of you and rub your back and make you feel better!

18. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Yes darling, like I mentioned earlier, you are going bald. It’s the truth, I was just being nice and sensitive to your insecurities but I see we are not playing that game anymore.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

Then don’t moan at the end of the night that it was too low cut.. or too short!

20. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

We can do that if you will discuss make up and jewellery and clothes with us…

21. You have enough clothes.

No we don’t!

22. You have too many shoes.

No we don’t! a girl can never have enough of anything… only we have enough of our men when they annoy and irritate us!

23. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Just like your big fat beer belly!