The Highs and Lows

I really like this song… sadly I couldn’t find one with English subtitles…

I’ve had a really busy week with Eid and everything…  all in all it went really well. Had some good quality family time and managed to fit in a few visits and receive a few visitors.

One of my mates brought around a massive box of chocolates… can’t wait to dig into them.. maybe when we are watching something good at the weekend. Right now too stuffed to eat them.

I think festive occasions do make you think about those who are not with us anymore.. and it’s hard to try to get through these days sometimes. I think this year we coped reasonably well. The morning was bad but as the day wore on and the day started to get busy I think we managed to pick ourselves up and make an effort for each other.

You learn a lot as time goes on. The world never stops. It just keeps revolving round and round like a carousel. You look around and you see that others want to get on but are waiting for you as they don’t want to leave you behind. But they also don’t want to get on.. because they aren’t ready. Then one of you realises that an effort has to be made or the moment will pass and you will only end up blaming each other or worse your depression gets worse.

In mourning it becomes a battle of survival at times. Very often we are trying to save ourselves then we aren’ t and sometimes we are trying to save each other forgetting all about ourselves.

It sounds like a muddle I know and very often that’s how it feels up there in my head. You lose all sense of time and forget that there is a purpose to life. You do have to get up and move along. Move along as in your day and not sit in one place thinking or doing useless stuff that has no meaning or sense of purpose.

I very often sit and sit, doing nothing at all. I think that’s the day I get the most done. Emotionally and mentally because at the end I’m exhausted. It’s like I’ve done a full days work of hard labour. Which is quite funny because the place looks a tip and I’m too exhausted to do anything and so the day has passed.

There are good days too.. where is burst of energy and you just can’t stop because you are on such a high. I call them my good days, I feel great. There is the nagging thing in the back of my head tho, that while im flying today on such a rush and high, I know I will crash and I crash badly. I really hate it when that happens. It’s inevitable and there is nothing to avoid it, I’m on such a rush at those times I can’t even pace myself.

I think eventually I will figure it out, right now I don’t have a clue. Tomorrow I’m gonna be the smartest in town when I’m on that high again. Bring it on!!

A mouse in my house!

I have a mouse in my house… now for some of you, you will think that’s bad and advise me to get rid of it.. and for those of you who know me personally will know how upsetting and distressing this is for me.

I really can’t stand them, they freak me out and I think that what I have developed over the years is a phobia of them. It’s so bad that my legs are shaking writing this.

So, how do I know I have one? I went to farmfoods the other day and bought some shopping in. The bag with the cakes and biscuits, the kids left on the store-room floor. Now it’s nothing normal for us to put bags of crips etc on the floor but never open packets of food. It’s carpeted and very nice. It’s like a small room under the stairs. There are shelves there too.

Feeling peckish the other night I said to the my nieces to go and get the bag so we can have some cake. In the bag there was a chocolate swiss roll and strawberry one. So my older niece brings me the bag and shows me that the cake is already half eaten. I’m telling her that that’s impossible as nobody has touched the cakes. She proceeds to tell me that she thinks it was her older brother “the greedy git that has scoffed it.”

While she is telling me this I notice a hole in the farmfoods bag at the bottom and my heart sank… it was clear what had happened. I checked the store room floor and sure enough you can see bits of the bag all frayed and flaked there.

I don’t know much about the mouse as no one has seen it and we have not discovered any mouse droppings. We have no clue how it got in. Now what I do know is that the little shit prefers strawberry swiss roll cake to chocolate, as he never touched that one.

So where the hell is the mouse? Many have advised me to set a mouse trap. That is sound advice as I will set the trap and it will get caught in it and all I have to do is discard it. But how can you tell me to do this when I can’t even bear to look at it. My phobia is so bad if one appears on tv I have to look away and change channels and I can’t look at a photographic image of them either. So telling me to set a mouse trap is my worst nightmare.

It was one of the reasons I left Pakistan. In Karachi they roam freely big massive things. What was really strange was that they never entered our living quarters upstairs, perhaps because of the air conditioners, I’m not sure. But downstairs they would just saunter in and out like they owned the place. My mom would say that don’t panic it will just wonder about and leave and sure enough it did. But I would be petrified and totally freaked out to the point I would be sitting with my feet tucked underneath me.

They found this hilarious until they realised how distressing it was for me. I would actually go around trying to block ways that they were using to get in.. the little mutts would come up from the gutters.. uurgghhhh!! Then my maid would inform me that they can eat and chew through anything even stone, so that’s all pointless… grrrrrr

When I came back I was relieved to never have to deal with them again. I hate the way they startle me… it’s one of the reasons why I hate cats… when they brush against your leg and make you jump.. I absolutely hate it..

Anyways… you can imagine my shock horror when I did see one in the house some years ago.. I was so stunned, shocked and aggravated I started screaming and crying hysterically… I think I shocked myself at my reaction.. I just couldn’t believe that they were here too. Just as it came it disappeared and we have never seen anymore till now.

I hate this feeling, it makes me walk into a room and first I will pause and my eyes will dart around the floor into all four corners… just to make sure it’s not lurking about. The feeling will eventually pass untill I think there is one back again or I suspect there is one lurking about.

Well here is a message to you, you little shit, if I see you I will hound you down (or get someone to) and make you regret ever entering my domain. You will not get out alive, that’s for sure. (I’m gonna get my bro to kill you!) and most of all you will starve to death because I never leave food or rubbish lying about and we are not leaving anything on the floor either. So if you can hear me leave now!

will and kate’s wedding cakes…

A royal chocolate cake!

Looks amazing!

More royal wedding pics, click!

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