Hundreds of people were asked to “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies taken from hundreds…
- Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
- Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
- Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
- Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
- Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
- Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
- Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
- Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
- Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
- Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
- Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
- Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
- Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
- Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
- Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
- Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
- Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
- Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
- Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
- Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
- Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
- Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
- Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
- Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
- Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
- Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
- Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
- Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
- Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
- Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
- Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
- Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
- Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
- Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
- Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
- Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
- Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
- Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
- Run away and call the police: Security Guard
- Copy and paste the Internet: Student
- Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
- Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
- Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
- Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
- Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
- Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
- Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
- Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
- Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
- Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food EmployeeTaken from the internet 😛What’s your job description?
Last night was just awful, I thought I was going to freeze to death.
I was woken by my mobile phone ringing at around 4am. I ignored the call, I mean who the hell calls you at that time? If it’s an emergency they will call back or try one of our other numbers.
Sure enough seconds later I hear my brothers phone ring from the other room. While straining to hear the conversation i realised that outside a few people’s house alarms had gone off. Power cut I thought. Then my brother confirmed it and also told me ours had gone off too and I needed to go downstairs with him to switch it of.
In my delusioned head I’m thinking why does he need my help? Does he think we have burglars? So just to be on the safe side I grabbed the baseball bat I keep down the side of my bed ( Er… It’s there in case someone throws me a ball at night… What? I thought everyone kept one there! )
He Flashes his mobile light on me in the dark and tells me to put the dam thing away but I refuse. I tell him it’s for our protection. He replies I’m more worried you’ll end up swinging for me in the dark. I just had to giggle. I ask him why he wants me to come down and he tells me ” coz you know where the bloody candles are, I don’t!” duh!! Typical male.
So of we go down the stairs and the alarm is just getting louder and louder. It’s pitch black and we’re both Using our mobiles as lights and they keep bloody going off. I quickly locate some candles under the kitchen sink and light them.
The alarm box is located in the kitchen store cupboard. As soon as he opens the door the noise is deafening. He quickly punches in the code and nothing happens. So he does it again, again nothing. By tUhis time I can feel the noise piercing my ears, it’s really deafening and painful.
He tries a few times more and eventually we realise without any electricity the alarm won’t go of. The noise is so bad I start feeling sick. He just closes the door over tightly which sort of deafens the noise a bit.
It also occurs to me just how cold it is, in the confusion I’ve forgotten to put on slippers and my housecoat. So I go to turn the heating on and nothing. Same problem, without power it won’t come on. Tried to turn on the cooker and realised also no ignition to ignite the gas.
I checked on my nephews who sleep downstairs. It was the older one that had called upstairs to say that the alarm had gone off. Set up a candle for him and told him to stay in bed as its freezing cold. Outside it’s all frosty, temp is -3!
My brother checked that all windows and doors are secure. I made my way back up to bed, I was freezing cold and shivering. I climb into bed and although I only left my bed not even for 10 minutes my bed was ice cold.
I wrapped myself up in my blankets but I was chilled to the bone and the noise from the alarm was driving me crazy. Eventually I got up and put a jumper on and some socks but no such luck. It was like my bed was outside. I could’ve sworn that the outside was probably warmer.
Of those of you who know me well will know I’m always cold and hate being cold. This was just too much. I considered a hot shower but that’s electric too.
Finally after an hour the alarm stopped itself and the power returns just around 6am. I’m thinking great the heating will come on soon with the timer and soon all will be warm. Thinking this I dose off.
I wake up at 7.30 and it’s still ice cold, so cold Infact I can’t even get out of bed. I drag myself downstairs to see what the problem is and realise someone has messed with timer. Aaarrgghhhh!!!
I did switch it on but it was too late as everyone was waking up and the house would take its time heating up. 😦
We all had to get ready this morning in the freezing cold. It was one grumpy irritated household.
Not a great start to a Monday morning. 😦
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?” “That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a “no left turn” sign and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still – he didn’t break any traffic laws. Why not?