Who said you can never care enough? Well you can! In fact I’m living proof of caring too much. Of giving my all and then losing it all simply because I cared too much.
I’m drained and exhausted, I’ve nothing left to give. Instead I simply walk away….
Trying not to turn to comfort eating.
Sometimes finally getting things of your chest and saying what you feel is great. Just letting rip is awesome.
I finally did it. Finally gave a few the sharp side of my tongue. It felt good because bottling things up is never good. Got it of my chest, things that had been bugging me for months and years.
But telling close loved ones how you feel about them or telling them how they piss you off is like watching a tsunami.
It’s a path of self destruction, those bridges are well and truly burnt.
Sometimes there is no going back….
Sometimes one of our biggest mistakes in life is caring too much. I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but here I am.
Many don’t deserve the time and effort you put into the relationship you have with these people. All the signs are there that this person isn’t invested in you as much as you are in them. But you continuously ignore it. Forgiving, forgetting and moving on. Till finally you realise you can’t take anymore. Enough is enough.
The worst part is trying to learn how to stop caring…
It seemed no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get rid of Rosie. I thought that I should’ve just killed her off.
Raj acted smitten with her and would continuously message her. Truth was he was curious because was suspicious of who she was. There were times he was convinced it was me.
My own relationship with him was rocky to say the least. We would go weeks ignoring each other and when we did speak it was like the distance and time just fell away. He wanted it all, he truly did. He justified his flirtatious ways as him just being friendly. I’d let it go and say the same back when he’d have an issue with me being “over friendly” with my Facebook “mates” After all why should we have double standards. If it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for me. There was no joy in it but at times I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.
That was Facebook for you. Sometimes we become trapped in our own games.
Zia and I were getting closer and closer. Lazy chats about anything and everything. He opened up about his marriage and family. He truly was unhappy and I was right she was a control freak. She controlled everything including the finances, which later became even more obvious.
He asked about Raj and I told him that while things were ok our backgrounds were a huge issues to our families. So he would be finishing his studies and be moving abroad. Once he did I would defo fly out to meet him. That was the plan.
Zia one day confided he didn’t like the fact Rosie and him were friends. Well I replied not much can be done about that. It’s a free world.
By now because I avoided Neema as much as possible she wasn’t happy. I’d keep rejecting her friend request and one day I noticed her and Raj had become friends on Facebook then Zia too.
I wasn’t amused and I let it be known. Raj had a flippant attitude. He said they are Rosie’s friends. She’s told me all about them. Do you know how filthy they are he said. They want her to be his second wife. You he said should keep away from them.
When I spoke to Zia about it his answer was. I’m just here to make like minded friends and pass my time. I said why Raj? I rather you didn’t. He says he seems like a nice guy. Must be if you and Rosie are friends and Neema too. I’d like to get to know him better.
#secretdiariesofhim part 9
One day Neema kept calling Rosie and just wouldn’t give up. Eventually I had to take the call.
She was asking how I was and why I hadn’t been in touch. I tried to explain things were quite hectic here plus I didn’t have much to say. I told her I felt Edinburgh was a different world a different lifetime away that didn’t exist no more for me. (Wish she would just take a hint)
She said well Rosie you may have forgotten us but Zia sits with your picture daily and stares at it. He says it feels like it was taken just for him. I tried to make a point of not asking how he was. But she was clearly on a mission.
Do you know she said Aneesa messages Zia all the time. They chat about anything and everything. She then proceeds to tell me about conversations we had had. I was not just gobsmacked but could feel my blood boiling too.
Was he telling her about our conversations? But the way she was talking it was almost like she was reading them out to me. I was not amused. She was mocking and making fun of thoughts and feelings that were being shared in private conversations. How dare she! How dare he!
These people were a joke. She was a joke everything to her was just a piss take. I was beginning to wonder did she take anything seriously.
Later on when I spoke to Zia again I asked him who has access to your Facebook account he said nobody. I asked him does your wife read our messages and again he said no. He asked why. I replied, I spoke to Rosie today and she seems to know that we chat and has details of our conversations which seem to have come from your wife. How come your wife has details of our private conversations? He acted dumb and said he didn’t know. Complete utter bullshit.
It certainly put Zia in a new light to me almost a wuss a man with no privacy. Things were starting to click into place. He was her muppet she pulled the strings she controlled him. He didn’t have a say in anything. He’d found a friend in Rosie. Somebody who valued him and treated him like a human. No wonder he fell in love with her instantly.
She would brag about how good he was at cleaning and cooking. Now I realised its because she herself does nothing. She would sit on Facebook all day and do nothing around the house. He would come in from work and then get on with the housework. My heart went out to him but at the same time I realised this was a very screwed up couple. Anyone else would run a mile.
I was intrigued.
For two weeks we didn’t speak on the phone. Neither of us. I pretended I was at my dying fathers bedside. As sad as it was and drastic and sick it was the only thing at that time that could get me out of it. Talk about creating your own problems.
Both had been messaging offering support but so far I’d avoided getting into a conversation with them.
Meanwhile guess what Zia had done? He’d befriended me on my own account. I accepted his friend request and we had started chatting. With Rosie now out the way I thought maybe I can start again but I was deluded. One thing I quickly realised Zia was deeply in love with Rosie. He wasn’t himself and seemed very down.
He after some days slowly started opening up about her. He was missing her badly and was worried for her. In the back of my mind I always thought this was a wind up but what I didn’t think was true was his feelings for Rosie. He’d fallen for her big time.
We had some deep conversations and shared a lot in a short space of time. He one day said will you add my wife to your Facebook. I asked why. He said it will just make things easier. I refused. I didn’t want Neema as a friend. I’d had enough of her as Rosie. Plus I know she’d insist on chatting on the phone which was too risky.
Zia was too loyal to Rosie to insist on phone calls. He wanted to know how I knew her I sad through Raj she’s his friend. He told me eventually that Rosie wanted him to leave Neema and marry her. Which wasn’t true he’d misinterpreted what I had said as Rosie. He said leaving his wife was completely out of the question and he was disappointed that Rosie had even suggested it.
Oh well I thought. Best you start hating her coz she ain’t ever coming back.
But as Rosie I had to call them because ignoring them wasn’t an option not after all their messages and knowing they were worried. But I was also ready to finally lay all this to rest. I’d done the ground work. I told them in a conference call my father had passed away I wouldn’t be returning to Edinburgh. I had to stay here and look after my mother and siblings. Therefore I can no longer marry you plus I’d already told you I can’t be a second wife. In reply Neema said I’m sending Zia to pay his condolences. I said don’t bother because when he turns up I have no way to explain who he is.
I was getting annoyed now, these two just didn’t know when to back off. Zia was acting like a wet blanket on the phone. I cut the call short and decided I wouldn’t be talking to them again as Rosie.
Meanwhile Zia was getting closer and closer to me on my own account and for a moment I thought I’d pulled it off. I’d got Rosie out the way. No more lies and deceit. Huh who was I kidding.