Ignoring Bullies Really Does Work

I was reading on someone’s blog earlier today about how everyone keeps giving advice to just ignore the people who are winding you up and getting on your nerves. This person was looking for other advice to their problem.

My response was ignoring is best, as it really does work. Now I know this not because I have been on the receiving end of such bad luck so much but I do remember dishing it out once.

Let me share with you.

I was 16 and at college, there was this girl there that just got on my freakin nerves. I don’t know why but she just rubbed me up the wrong way. Sometimes you meet someone in life and they grate on you like someone running their nails down a black board or a drill drilling through metal, well this was one of those times.

Usually even at that young age if someone wound me up or irritated me I would just be a proper bitch back to them and found it really funny because the banter would be fun, I’d always get the upper hand ( coz I’m sharp, very sharp ok ) what? why the raised eyebrows? Yeah I’m all grown up now but this was when I was young, sort of naive and 16 and I’ve calmed down a lot since then. ( That’s why I can tell the story now)

Anyway let me carry on. 😛

I can’t even remember her name but she was kinda cute and pretty and wore this long purple coat no matter what the weather. She also carried a briefcase and would hold her body so stuff and straight. What I clearly remember is that she had a head shaped like an egg. Yeah, a proper egg.

We never had classes together but did hang about in the same area but she was always on her own, I invited her over to join our group but she would always decline, she would just stand poker straight and never sit down anywhere. I used to think she took classes standing up too. So I would stand and chat with her and discovered that she was the cousin of a guy I was at school with called shezi.

Now Shezi was a really troubled dude and used to drink a lot, I always remember him drunk so I wanted to know how he was doing and she would just get all sarcy and narcy with me. I think that was the start of our downfall as friends.

Now, don’t get me wrong I tried to be nice but god only knows what she got into her egg head because she started drawing me dirty looks and daggers. So being the way I was, not taking crap from no one and having to always have the upper hand in front of my friends I would ask her what she was staring at. etc etc.

She would turn her back on me and refuse to reply. It just spurred me on even more. Thing is I’m not a bully but I know now that I did start to bully her mercifully. I never missed or wasted an opportunity to have a go at her and I wasn’t the only one, there were others too.

I think what spurned me on the most was the fact that I couldn’t get a response out of her. She continuously ignored me and would always turn her back on me, even if it meant her facing the wall.

Slowly the fun started to go out of teasing her. When friends would point her out to me and say let’s go get egg head I found myself saying “What’s the point, she is boring”

One day my mom sent me out for some milk to our local corner shop and I bumped into Shezi, first thing that I blurted out was “Your cousin is such a weirdo!” and continued into a tirade of abuse and complaints about her. He said that she is a pain in the ass bla bla. He actually agreed with me.

Next day back at college I went looking for her and I as soon as I saw her I made a bee line for her. As soon as she noticed me she turned and faced the wall and I knew straight it was pointless as she was going to ignore me again. I tried anyway and told her what Shezi said about her and it’s true you are a pain in the ass etc. I pushed her but no reaction and now for some reason I was getting really mad and then suddenly I seen her hand shake and new I’d gone too far. She was petrified of me and I only just noticed it, I think finally getting a reaction from her just gave me some satisfaction that I did have an effect on her. It was enough for me at that point and after that I left her to it.

Something inside me sort of came to light too and for a while it was hard as a 16 year to process but I knew what I’d done was wrong, in fact always knew but just ignored it. There was something else though and it bugged me untill I finally realised what it was.

It was the fact that she showed so much resilience to me and never gave a reaction till that day. She was ignoring as we are always taught to do when we are being bullied and boy did she carry it out. Also her cousin pointed out to me that no “one likes her everyone picks on her, she is a pain” So she did know what she was doing because I wasn’t the first person she had come across that took this attitude with her. She was just different to others and knew what she wanted and what she didn’t. I was just too naive and immature to see it or respect it.

That was a decade ago and im all grown up now. When I look back I admire her guts, patience and resilience. I learnt something from her and I will never forget what she taught me, that ignoring does work.

I wasn’t a bully but for some odd reason I bullied her because she appeared weak and stupid but in all honesty she is the strongest person to this day that I’d ever met. After my encounter with her I knew how to deal with negative people who came into my life and made my life a misery. I’ve never given a reaction to anyone who is looking for one. I know they will eventually get bored, tired and bugger off and leave me alone.

While writing this post I suddenly remembered her name it was Salma. I did some years later come across her in town one day. She was coming my way and I just stopped dead in front of her and smiled. I straightway saw the panic in her eyes and she still ignored me while I tried to apologise to her and ask how she was doing.

I was quite disgusted with myself that I made her life a misery that even years later she refuses to speak to me… frankly I don’t blame her. What I wont forget and will always be thankful for is the lesson she taught me.

Being bitter really doesn’t help

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Sometimes in life we take knocks and falls. We get the bruises and grazes and we just get back up, brush ourselves off and carry on. Many a time we don’t even think about it again and move on, getting caught up in the hubbub and hussle bustle of life. The bruises and grazes heal and all is forgotten about.

Then there are those times that nothing seems to go right, as hard as we try what seems to be in our grasp just eludes us. So many times you try and try, you move heaven and earth to make it happen but it’s just not meant to be.

You sit and wonder why O why is this happening to you? Why is the world against you? Why is your relationship falling apart? Why didn’t you get that job? Why are you penniless? Why is everyone hurting you?

It’s questions that sometimes the answers are simple or there are no answers. In truth it just isn’t meant to be.

But it’s hard to accept this and we blame everyone else and the world for our shortfalls, failures and heartbreaks.

We begin to be bitter when it’s so much easier to learn from our past. Make our experiences and mistakes lessons, learn from them instead of blaming society, your family and everyone else.

When did blaming everyone else for your problems and past issues help? Yeah it makes you feel better temporarily but you end up manifesting feelings of bitterness that carry on into your future. It will effect your future relationships, decisions and life.

Best thing to do is man up and admit it just wasn’t meant to be and stop holding everyone else responsible for your own deep underlying issues. It can be tough I know but one thing I’ve learned in life is no matter how hard we, push, plot, plan, be devious, be courageous to get what we want, it won’t happen.

Sometimes we don’t even try and something just happens, it just falls into our laps. So it’s really simple, if it’s for you it won’t go by you. Let the bitterness go and move on.

How are we really perceived?

I was at a gathering today of some friends and neighbours where a discussion took place about people and their behaviour towards each other.

One of the things being discussed was how our behaviour becomes so normal and predictable that family and friends know exactly how you are going to react or behave before you even say or do anything.

What was also said during this discussion was how they can better tell us about ourselves than we can. Meaning we think we are acting one way yet we are perceived a completely different way.

To be quite honest it’s true.  Many a time we are accused of being a certain way, doing a certain thing or reacting a certain way. When we are adamant it’s not true and we meant the opposite. I find myself in this position loads of time where I am having to make myself very clear that this is what I meant and not this.

Is it because people have already made up their minds about us from previous reactions and behaviours?

Or is it because we aren’t making ourselves understood very well?

Does that mean our communication skills are lacking?

Then the question arises do we really care what others think?

Well it does matter if we are being perceived wrong. It’s our own image that has been taken out of our hands and being decided on with us not even realising it.

How often have you had someone say to you… you said this.. and you have replied “yes I did say that but this is what I meant”. Before you realise it you have been completely misunderstood.

The lesson in this discussion was that we should always be aware of what sort of persona we are giving of and how we are being perceived. We should be clear in what we are meaning and saying especially in first impressions because that is what stays in a person’s mind whom you meet for the first time. Even a smile and handshake has a big impact on what you think of someone and apparently we don’t even realise this half the time.

When we touched upon smiles many of the people there agreed that there are so many different types of smiles that some make you feel warmer to some people and some make you turn away.

I know we are aware of these things but actually hearing it in a discussion certainly opened my eyes to a lot of things today. No, I’m not going to go for a complete personality transplant ( that would be one helluva job seeing how big mines is) but I will definitely be looking at others more carefully and will try to at least make sure I’m making myself clearer where it matters and better understood.

What is normal?

I met and old friend today who looked at me very closely and said “You’re not looking normal these days!”

I asked her what do you call normal and she was a little stumped for words as I look rather annoyed at her.

I was serious what the hell do you call normal? and when will I be normal? coz when im called normal I don’t feel normal and I don’t want to be normal and when I want to be normal everyone tells me im not.

I remember when I was a rebellious child and boy, did I rebel! It was my mission to defy every authority and every rule that was put in my way. For some reason I wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t going to do as I was told. I mean why should I? Nobody understood me!

The more I rebelled and made everyone’s life hell the more they called me normal. When my social workers and school teachers held this massive meeting in which I was brought in and asked questions, they asked me to wait outside and I heard them talking. ( Note to adults.. if u wish to discuss a child make sure they can’t hear you, it seriously messes up their head! )

They called me “normal” and said this sort of behaviour was to be expected and it was nothing unusual especially considering my background.

Great I thought so why do they go out of their way to tell me off, punish me and have these massive meetings  about me if this was “normal and to be expected”. I was not a happy bunny on hearing this; because for some reason I didn’t feel normal at all, if anything I felt out of place and very angry at all of them.

I wanted to be like the others who appeared normal to me yet they kept saying I was!

So off I set with a mission to prove them wrong that I was not their “normal”. The more I was determined to show them I wasn’t the more they said I was.

To cut a long story short I think I made many people have nervous breakdowns, split hairs and pull nails out with despair but they still kept telling me how I was feeling was totally utterly  normal and it was nothing unusual. I think if I painted myself green and grew horns they would still have called me flipping normal

Now years on when I’m all grown and done all the things that were expected of me and am still doing everything that is expected of me. I have my degree and have become a successful in what I do. I am finally comfortable in my life, heart and soul. I have also come to terms with my childhood and past and I also think I’ve made amends in more ways than one. Yet now I’m told I’m not normal.

According to some, I’m hyper, highly strung, a recluse, unsociable and much more. They now say I am not normal and I look them in the eye and ask, well tell me what is normal? Because who would know the answer better than me?

 

 

 

I know who I am.

These past few weeks have been a muddle of thoughts and emotions. I feel like I’ve come out a dark tunnel that was so low I had to stoop to walk through, stoop so low my back was bent over double.

Now I’m out the glare of the light is hitting my eyes and my whole is body is grateful to be able to stretch again but yet I still feel stiff.

Stiff as in slow to move on and appreciate what I have learnt on my travel through this dark dingy tunnel that blinded me into darkness and dulled my senses.

The glare hitting my eyes is slowing starting to see things clearly as I adjust to my surroundings of a new depth and understanding of myself.

One thing I do know is who I am, who I was and who I will always be.

I know now that I can’t be someone I’m not. I can’t change my thinking and pretend I am someone or something else. I can’t change values that have been instilled in me from as far back as I can remember. Values that I hold dear and live my life accordingly. Principles that will never waver.

I can’t be wrong when I have to always be right.

I have to be true to myself, if that’s not possible then how can I be true to anyone else? Who will appreciate me when I can’t appreciate myself?

I think before anyone sets out to demand another person fits their ideal mould they should first ask themselves do they want a manufactured “perfect” friend/partner or do they want someone that’s real and genuine who is being themselves and not forcing it to just please you.

I also think one should look at themselves first and see just how honest they are being to their own selves.

Because if a person is confident and happy in their own skin they will never feel they need to change anyone else.

I know who I am.

These past few weeks have been a muddle of thoughts and emotions. I feel like I’ve come out a dark tunnel that was so low I had to stoop to walk through, stoop so low my back was bent over double.

Now I’m out the glare of the light is hitting my eyes and my whole is body is grateful to be able to stretch again but yet I still feel stiff.

Stiff as in slow to move on and appreciate what I have learnt on my travel through this dark dingy tunnel that blinded me into darkness and dulled my senses.

The glare hitting my eyes is slowing starting to see things clearly as I adjust to my surroundings of a new depth and understanding of myself.

One thing I do know is who I am, who I was and who I will always be.

I know now that I can’t be someone I’m not. I can’t change my thinking and pretend I am someone or something else. I can’t change values that have been instilled in me from as far back as I can remember. Values that I hold dear and live my life accordingly. Principles that will never waver.

I can’t be wrong when I have to always be right.

I have to be true to myself, if that’s not possible then how can I be true to anyone else? Who will appreciate me when I can’t appreciate myself?

I think before anyone sets out to demand another person fits their ideal mould they should first ask themselves do they want a manufactured “perfect” friend/partner or do they want someone that’s real and genuine who is being themselves and not forcing it to just please you.

I also think one should look at themselves first and see just how honest they are being to their own selves.

Because if a person is confident and happy in their own skin they will never feel they need to change anyone else.

Crap mood!

It’s Monday morning and it’s not going very well.

In fact I feel I’m still trapped in my mood from the weekend. Oh that didn’t go very well either. It was utterly crap! yeah crap! I can’t even be bothered looking for a more suitable word for it, just to sound a little polite and lady like. oh hell who cares anyway.

Now why was it so crap?

I’ve no idea… might even have been the weather.. up till Friday evening  there was a heat wave and then at 6pm the heavens burst open… and it poured like it had never poured before. Of course living in Glasgow we should be used to this kind of weather but you know just once I wanted a nice bloody weekend. I did want to go out and enjoy the sunshine, was even thinking of having a BBQ or going on a picnic…

But worse is the fact that the laundry never got done. There was nowhere to dry it and using the dryer continuously is not good either.. they are all complaining their clothes are shrinking… I’m like… they are not shrinking!… you lot are getting fat!… ok that was a bit nasty but then again I’m in a nasty mood. I did manage to get my nieces and nephews’ uniforms washed and dried so I’m not all that bad… 🙂

I’ve still not got many answers for my really grumpy mood at the weekend… there were a few things… one of them is yesterdays posting on here…

Today isn’t going well because first of all the morning post pissed me right off… why do companies wait till Friday night to post out bad news in letters? Is it so on Monday morning we can just sink lower into our mundane moods and feel worse? Why do they always wait till Friday to send me bad news that they know is gonna arrive on my doorstep on a Monday morning? I demand to know!

Second of all a file I lost week on my pc still hasn’t turned up… I was hoping my wizard would have left it in lost and found but fat chance… it’s a file full of spread sheets that I desperately need… and I have no back up … now need to do them all again.. makes me a not very  happy person…

How the hell does a file just disappear of your computer? How is that possible? It’s never happened to me before so why now? and why this file?

Anyways that’s my rant for the morning… now going to see if I can get a start on those spreadsheets…