Hundreds of people were asked to “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies taken from hundreds…
- Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
- Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
- Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
- Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
- Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
- Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
- Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
- Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
- Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
- Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
- Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
- Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
- Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
- Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
- Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
- Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
- Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
- Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
- Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
- Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
- Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
- Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
- Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
- Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
- Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
- Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
- Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
- Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
- Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
- Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
- Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
- Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
- Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
- Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
- Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
- Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
- Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
- Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
- Run away and call the police: Security Guard
- Copy and paste the Internet: Student
- Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
- Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
- Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
- Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
- Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
- Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
- Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
- Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
- Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
- Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food EmployeeTaken from the internet 😛What’s your job description?
Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?
Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.
Two factory workers are talking.
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb.
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.
A man is talking to God.
The man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it’s about a minute.
The man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me it’s a penny.
The man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?
Student: A heart attack.
Teacher: This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.