Yes, I am here or am I?

The temperature outside was soaring high… I stood on the balcony of our rented apartment and found myself shielding my eyes from the sun, it was only 10am. I sighed and went back to bed, there was no way we could go out in this heat.

It was our second day in the city of Jeddah and I was so relaxed and happy. Umrah and Medina had been amazing but I was exhausted. The summer flu I had caught in Medina was gradually wearing off but it had taken a toll on my body, it was like the energy had been drained out of me. Rest and plenty of it was what was needed. But I knew I had to grasp it when I could as this beautiful city had to be explored and we didn’t have many days left in our trip here.

20120828-104045.jpg I was blessed I truly was. When I entered the Haram Shareef and walked the walk towards the Ka’ba my heart soared and my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking in my heart “Am I really here, again!” This was my second trip to this blessed city. First time I was in awe that finally I was actually seeing something I’d only heard about and seen on TV and in books, I was here. I said in my heart to my beloved creator “You must truly love me to bring me here” This time was no different. The tears welled up in my eyes, the lump in my throat got bigger, I was speechless. Yes! me Speechless! “Ya Allah! you must really love me to bring me here again! Ya Allah…”

You are right I was emotional. The tears started to flow, I couldn’t see where I was going, I had to stop and regain my composure but I couldn’t I was too overwhelmed.

Suddenly every pain and hurt that I’d suffered in the past started to race through my mind, it was like I was telling Him look what I’ve been through, I am hurting I am in pain that is why I’m here. I want you to heal me, give me peace and let me sleep, just want to sleep in peace. Help me, I am here because I need your help.

It was all rushing to me at once. I was shocked and disturbed at my reaction as I hadn’t planned or thought about anything. The journey had been exhausting from Glasgow, we had been travelling for over 24 hours before we arrived in Mekkah. My mind was more on performing Umrah rather than anything else. I was nervous and excited entering the Harram, I had butterflies in my stomach but that hadn’t bothered me much.

This second time I suppose I was maturer and understood more and the significance of being here. I sat on the steps that led down to the area where the ka’ba stands and let the tears flow. I was exhausted, my journey was longer than the 24 hours it had taken to get here. When you decide to come here that is when your emotional journey begins. You think about it, you wonder about it and sometimes you even dream about it. You have things in your heart you want to say and pray, each step you take here is of great significance. From the moment you enter the Harram and you start walking towards what is the very centre of your existence. There is a prayer, a thought, a moment with every step.

I was here, but am I really here? In heart and soul have I truly arrived? It’s crazy questions but you can’t stop thinking is this it? Is this really it?

To be continued…


47 responses to “Yes, I am here or am I?

  1. Beautiful. Reminds me of when I first seen Kaaba when went for Hajj. At first sight of it, you start crying. It is just amazing. Alhamdulillah

  2. I started tearing up while reading this. You are so lucky fo have gone for a second time… I am just praying to go..havent been there even once. Pray for me. Still in awe at your experience…

    • InshAllah you will one day go there too… it’s all about your niyat… once you decide you are going and that’s it… the way paves itself… trust me… you will know when it’s time…

  3. This is beautiful… is this you going here? (sorry!) I got goosebumps reading it… What is niyat? and where are you going… like, how does that work… ? 🙂 I’m very curious …

    • “Niyat” is your intentions of doing something Mystery… and yes this was about my arrival into the Haram itself… the Mosque where the Ka’ba is situated… It’s quite a journey just walking in… because it’s your destination… one of the pillars of Islam is to visit here and perfom Haj at least once in your life time if circumstance permit… I haven’t been able to do this yet… but have done Umrah which involves part of what is done in Haj…

      • This is really interesting … so it’s like, going to a holy place and cleansing your soul? Like your life and … healing type of thing? 🙂 I’m sorry… I’m not being a butt or anything, just seeking to understand.

        • Yeah you are right something like that… you return with a new beginning with all your sins forgiven and your soul cleansed… it states very clearly if you make the effort and journey to visit the blessed city the rewards and blessings are very high…

          No need to apologise M I appreciate your interest… 🙂

          • That’s beautiful … I’m always interested in other beliefs and cultures. Are ya kidding me? 🙂 I’m very curious and the really good news is that I’m a bit forgetful so if you do this again (lol) you can tell me again and it will be as though I heard it for the first time!

            Good for you! So you went here… right? (insert inquisitive expression) and you felt amazing and good and euphoric! THAT is GREAT!

  4. I am an agnostic but I would dearly love to believe in a god. Truly religious people of all faiths have an inner peace which I’d love to possess but I am, at bottom a sceptic forever questioning. Thanks for the post, I enjoyed reading it.

    • There are people out there like yourself who will always question… I question too but I think you also have to put your trust into your religion and block out everything else.

      Being brought up with religion always being part of me it’s just away of life. I trust it like I trusted my parents… It’s all about submission you have to be able to submit your will and when you do every question will have an answer…

  5. Sorry I haven’t been around much lately, but my book, The Bellman Chronicles, will be FREE to download on Sept. 10 – 11! Check it out on my Amazon Kindle page.. You won’t be disappointed. And if you can slip me a review, I’d be forever grateful…

    • I feel the same way because it takes so much more out of you and its much harder than Umrah… Umrah takes you only 45 minutes to do… and over with very quickly but Haj does take many days to complete… I’d suggest to anyone to go and do Umrah first and get a feel of the place… see everything and understand it all first hand and then go to Haj.

  6. Oh what a lovely and beautiful story. I feel like that whenever I go to the ocean. I’m not comparing where you are to the ocean. Just that it’s amazing how a place can make you feel, as well as feel towards your creator. It can be a sunset, or a view or even something a child will say to you that just brings tears to your eyes. I love that you have faith, we could all do to have some faith in this day and age. Keep writing. x

    • It’s true we can feel spiritual anywhere I feel it in many places sometimes just in the back garden watching a bird trying to feed her young can give you that feeling and bring a tear to your eye…

      Thanks for dropping by and I’m trying to keep up with the writing and will post again soon.

  7. this soooo makes me want to go there…last year my sis and parents went for umrah and now a friend just came back…your experience is so reassuring :))

  8. Right on sister!

    I remember when I went, just walking up to the mosque, I was like whoaa…and then when I was inside and saw the Kaaba, honestly, the feeling I got is something I cannot describe.

    I could just sit in the mosque and do nothing, and be at complete and utter ease.

    Inshallah I’ll get to go again.

    It’s just beautiful to see people of different colours, cultures, builds, languages all come together.

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