The Road To Nowhere.

Here I am a million thoughts from where I want to be.. I wonder if my destiny is where my heart wants to go or will it be in the opposite direction…

I’ve been out of writing blogs for a good few weeks now, I’m blank as to what to write. So I’m just gonna write what I feel like writing. I usually have a full post in my head before I sit down but today I’m just going to see what happens…

Thoughts have been wondering around as to where I am in life and where it’s going, also what lies in the future. It just seems dead, no direction, no cross roads to contemplate and goals to work for.

For the past few years life is at a standstill, we are still trying to get our heads round the three deaths that have taken place in our family, one after the other, six months apart on each one.

People spend a lifetime trying to come to terms with one and we are trying to come to terms with three, my parents, then my brother’s wife.

Life suddenly changed for me over night when we knew her illness was terminal. I suddenly realised that I was going to have to be strong for eveyone. Little did I know I would more or less end up living her life for her.

As time has gone on my own life seems to have disappeared, it no longer exists. The things I used to do and the people I used to know. Slowly everything has dwindled and her life has become mine. Her house I run. Her kids I look after. Her friends have become my friends… it just goes on and on…

There really is no “me” anymore.

Over night I became a rock and parent to my nieces and nephews, while they mourned the loss of their mother I tried to give them as much stability as possible. We had known 6 months earlier this day would come but nothing could have prepared for her loss.

My parents were elder and we all expect that one day our parents will go, all us siblings are grown up now, I’m the youngest in the family so their passing we could cope with, Her passing away has left us totally devastated, my brother can barely cope without her.

Even two years on he is still in a depressive daze. Communication between him and us is zilch. Over time the kids don’t even ask him for anything or expect anything from him, it’s me they come to for anything and everything. It’s like they don’t need him anymore and that scares me that these young kids have become so dependant on me that one day when I leave them to get on with my life again how will they cope.

The perfect solution would be for him to marry again and bring a step mother into the house, She would look after them all and be there as a permanent fixture and I could move on and be the person I am,not the one I have become.

It would be easy to say get up and go, but for some reason I feel I can’t walk out on them because I can clearly see they need me and have become very attached to me. When I look at their faces and think of what they have been through I know I can’t do that to them.

I know how they feel inside, their suffering, their fears and insecurities because when I was six I lost my own parents in a fatal car accident. I was left in care for years before I was finally adopted at the age of 10. I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. What I would have given for at least one of my aunts to have stepped forward and taken responsibility for me and provided me with some care, stability and somewhere to just call my own. What would I have given for someone to hear my cries at night and to come and hold me and tell me everything was going to be just fine. Just to hear someone say “It’s ok, don’t cry I’m here now” Someone to hold me so tight that it would take my breath away.

Yeah I coped and survived and it’s true I am here to tell the story. I am a survivor but you don’t just become one, it takes a lot to get here. To mentally grasp your situation, to put things into perspective, to live with a pain and emotions that you just wish weren’t there. And just when you think they are gone, you find yourself seeking them out because somewhere deep inside you still need to feel it time and time again. Because it’s a part of you and you fear if you let go you let go of everything and you will forget everything, every dam thought, every dam feeling, every dam pain. You have to be in control and forgetting is losing that control.

Then there are those times, you refuse to let yourself get emotional, you distance yourself from things so that you can cope with it. You get practical rather than emotional, stick to the facts, no don’t think about how much this is bothering you, hurting you or killing you. Just get on with it, it will pass, deep breaths then you will be fine.

If anyone asks how you are, smile, and say i’m fine, That’s it keep smiling.

47 responses to “The Road To Nowhere.

  1. Oh sweetheart! ((((((((Hugs)))))))) I had no idea you lost your parents so young and then your adoptive parents¤ you have had so much loss in your short life. It must be terribly hard to carry the responsibility you do and not have your own life and not be able to talk to your brother about it. Has he ever been to grief counseling or would he go? As you know the kids need him, its like they lost both parents when your sister died.

    I wish I could say something comforting to you but there is nothing. Just know I care and I am happy to see you back blogging I missed you.

    Love and hugs
    Carrie

    • We did talk about counselling but he won’t agree to it, thinks he doesn’t need it.

      I keep telling him he needs to step up take responsibility. I need a break and time to my mourn my own losses. He’s been really ill recently so I just leave it. Why antagonise him further.

      Its very lonely in my world, it’s rare to find someone who gets you so you give up trying and just quietly get on with things.

      People look at you and tell you how wonderful you are etc but all I feel is exhaustion, like I have no energy. It’s the worst feeling.

      Ive been unwell so haven’t been able to blog properly. My head still feels fuzzy but it’s good to be back amongst friends.

  2. Lost for words myself. You have been through alot and you are so amazing to put the children before yourself through it all. One day they will grow up and love you for all you have sacrificed. WOW!! This was a very heartfelt entry!

    • Thanks serenity… I think one day everything will fall into its place and it will all make sense… I think I’m just exhausted… I feel everything is taking its toll.

      • As you should be exhausted you have taken in alot. I wish you well and pray your load gets lighter and you are able to find some relief, peace and happiness some where down the road soon! HUGZ

  3. We all (individually) have our own roles in life to play, for some its not-obvious and for most it cannot be any clear. Life is funny with twists and turns every so often. I believe if you have the ability to makes sense of it, then you can deal with it.

    • I don’t recall saying I’ve run out of things to write about… What I did say was my mind is blank these days.

      Those who know me will understand how ill I’ve been these past few weeks which has contributed to my state of mind.

      I did change topics…Which I don’t really do very often.

  4. i shared this post with my sister who was in the same room as me when i was reading it…we both feel so much for you and what you went through/are going through right now. these are all tests from God…and seeing that you have become stronger and survived, you must be a very lucky person Aneesa! If you hadnt ever mentioned your personal life and past, i would have never thought you went through so much. props girl. I look upto you. Its so amazing when you find out other people’s past..i mean everyone has a story and seeing how they have coped with it or how it changed them for the better is very inspiring.

    • I think everyone that comes to blogging has a story to tell one way or the other… I never intended this to be such a personal or emotional blog but sometimes it just happens…

      Thanks for your kind and sweet words Eva… so sweet of you…

  5. Sorry for your losses Aneesa – I am so proud of you my friend for doing the right thing by the youngsters.

    I know it’s hard – been there, done that – but you are doing what is right and necessary at a very difficult time.

    Your brother obviously loved his wife very much and is traumatised, as are the kids, but you are giving them what they need most at a time when there is nobody else.

    Sorry you had to go through the adoption process when you were so young, but it gives you insight and, good or bad, you need that right now…

    Love and huge hugs my wonderful friend!🙂

    Prenin.

    • I’ve aged way beyond my years… I know things people twice my age have never heard of. Sometimes I think I know way too much than I should. At times I think it’s better than not knowing.

      I always say things happen for a reason… maybe the experience of losing my parents was to today help these kids through their loss… so many things come to mind… it’s the “why” and very rarely do you get some satisfactory answers… you know this bettter than me…

      Hugggzzzzzz ( sometimes we really need them )

  6. Am very sorry for your loss… You shared a part of yourself that many won’t. I myself am loss for words… Sending you prayers and love and a hug…

  7. “like” is a strange button to push on a blog like this. It implies approval of the torment you have been through but i hope you know that is not what i mean. Your style here is direct and conveys that granite that has taken root in your heart. Your strength is apparent and your role in the tragedy is admirable. Sometimes life takes us down roads we didn’t intend to tread. Sometimes we feel like we are trapped in someone else’s story…. but if we look hard at ourselves we see the beauty that has been handed to us. It is all a matter of perspective. All i mean to say is that i don’t know you but i am proud of you for walking strong on a hard road and i hope you can see the majestical beauty that is being presented to you along the way. Hugs

    • I prefer to think the “like” button is more of an acknowledgement that a post has been read by someone.. so thanks for your comments…

      Sometimes I do look back and feel proud of my achievements… from where life could have gone and where I could have ended up and to where I am I do think I have been very lucky… But it’s more to do with the good and caring people that have crossed my life and always had my best interests at heart. I beat a system that rarely anyone has anything good to say about. i am proof that the social care system does do good and not all kids that are in care come out to be nothing and just a burden on the tax payer.

      As for what has happened to our family, I fell into my role as their carer and I know somewhere all my parents are looking down watching me… I hope I’m making them proud too.

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that, even if in a small amount, it helps that you’re able to write about your feelings here.

  9. I dont know what to say, When my dad passed away a few years back life seemed to stop for me then as everything came to me and I had to take a lot of decisions ..
    but reading this I cant even fathom what you are feeling , I am so sorry to hear and read this.

    very tought situation I cant even advice you on anything, I hope god gives you the strength to decide and choose wisely what is best for everyone ..

    You take care of yourself and be strong ..

    • Thanks Bikram…

      It’s not easy losing a parent.. a part of you dies with them too… I remember when my mother passed away 3 years ago.. I felt so vulnerable.. like someone had lifted a blanket of me and exposed me to things I shouldn’t have to deal with.. the vulnerability kept me awake at nights.. when I was 6 years old all I remember is being scared and very very alone, confused aswell.

      My father’s death was sudden six months later and at the same time we discovered my bhabhi was terminally ill with cancer. Everything hits you at once, you barely catch your breath from one situation and you are knee deep in another.

      I don’t know where I find the strength, it could be my faith that helps me along or maybe it’s what I am a survivor who just gets up and gets on with things.

      My sister said to me the other day you become very detached at times as if you aren’t really hear emotionally.. my answer.. best way to deal with things… not healthy I know but it’s the only way I know how.

  10. Respect =) You truly are a strong person and compared to you my troubles seem negligible. Ty for the inspiration to fight on…

  11. Oh my goodness. I wondered where you had been. I hadn’t seen any blogs from you in while and I really did wonder if everything was alright. I am so, so sorry for all your losses. Bloody hell! To lose 3 people and in six month increments is just awful and my heart aches for you.

    First of all, it sounds like you have been doing a phenomenal job with your brother’s children, your nieces and nephews, and God bless you for that. You know exactly what it’s like to lose a parent so young and you stepped in and were there for them when no-one was there for you when you lost your first parents. While you were taking care of them you then lost your 2nd parents and you wonder why you feel the way you do. You are in mourning, in pain, you are also probably reliving your emotions, hurt, anger and loss all over again and it sounds like you haven’t been given the time to truly mourn the loss of your 2nd parents.

    My sweet, sweet girl. You are not their mother. I know you love them but if you do not find the time to deal with all the losses yourself, you are not going to be any good to them. I know you must love your brother very much and it sounds as if he is struggling tremendously with his loss but he has to remember that you are in pain too. You can’t take everyone’s emotions on board or you will crack. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to move on and deal with the aftermath of your own feelings.

    You need to really start thinking about your next move from here. Staying in a situation that is making you feel so empty, helpless and lost is not healthy for you, your brother or your nieces and nephews. It sounds like even her friends are leaning on you for support.

    I know we have only spoken via email a few times but I definitely felt from those few times what a wonderful person you are. You are indeed a survivor as am I, but sometimes it really does get too much and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed, exhausted both physically and mentally, grief stricken and so lost. All your feelings are just as valid as anyone else. I can’t imagine losing one parent never mind all 4.

    Please feel free to contact me any time and I mean any time. Sometimes it easier to talk to someone who isn’t so close to the situation and if all you want to do is vent, then vent. Please know that I am here for you ANY TIME. I am not a bible basher at all but do have a strong faith and I will include you in my prayers. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I will worry if I don’t hear from you.

    With lots of love and understanding,

    Your Friend on the other side of the Pond
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Thanks peacealisa for such strong words and encouragement…

      All you say is right, but unfortunately my brother’s health has gone really down past few months… they need me more than ever now… once his health is better then I do intend to move on and hopefully get on with things.

      can you email me please… wish to talk to you privately.

  12. Aneesa,

    I don’t think it’s your mind being blank, that can’t be the case because you are you, a bundle of spark with a burning passion inside, hold onto that. We all appreciate that at times, it’s more about the motivation to write something, we all have that problem – hell sometimes I don’t have the motivation to do anything!

    A very long time ago I dismissed the fact that our parents would go first….you just don’t know what’s around the corner.

    Thanks for sharing some deep thoughts and feelings that are exceptionally dear to you.

    For those who believe, there is justice in His house…..there is…
    D.

    • I live with my faith.. it’s dear to me and has helped me through the most darkest and lowest points in my life. I wouldn’t be here without it, I put all my trust, love and hope in Him and only Him. I know if I follow Him He will always do right by me.

      I have so much to be thankful for and that is why giving to my family is so improtant to me.. i dont want that tomorrow I look back and think could have I done more? and the answer be yeah I could have done more. That would be a killer…

  13. You have a hard road to follow my great friend and there is no map to guide you on this quest, it is something that you know is right for the now and even though you have been through this phase as a child the path is still fractured…

    Times will be difficult that is a fact that you are already discovering, your personal life on hold, sort of feeling your way along in the darkness and yet there will be a flicker of light, becoming a brighter flame where your life will one day flourish, blossom into that flower that your life should be at the present time…

    It is not a wasted period of time though Princess, it is rich with love from your nephews and nieces as they benefit greatly from your loving ways and the kindness that you give without a thought for yourself…

    Yes you feel as though your life is at a standstill but in reality it is a time to harness your strengths, your dreams and your future is just beyond the horizon and never lost. That time will be realised my great friend and you do merit that time, of that I have no doubt. Be very well my great friend and never say never, as your life is yet to come…

    Androgoth XXx

    • I do try to take the positives from every situation… this too is a learning process… sometimes i think i could deal with any situation I’d be thrown into.

      It’s true it has made me stronger in many ways, but occasionally I don’t like what I have become or what it has done to me mentally and emotionally.

      Thanks for such kind words O’dark one.

  14. Intresting how we both feel more or less the same thing about life, like its a stalemater from hell, not to mention both writting about it within a week of one another. But there is fact that neither you or I can excape and that is that no matter the situation we did choose it. Yes we did not choose the situation but we do choose what we end up doing in the,. But hell atleast you are doing some good with your life in being a support…

    • No I didn’t choose it and i refuse to accept this. Sometimes what looks like choices aren’t choices… they are just illusions of choices. If you pick one you know what will happen so you stop yourself and accept it. It’s like brick walls are there… you cant see them yet you know they are there…

      I’m sure one day we will figure it out… I mean how long can we go on like this.. something will have to give at some point….

  15. I recently experienced a significant loss, though nothing of the magnitude of your three losses right in a row. But I came across this quote a few days later, and it’s been a gift to me, so I thought I’d share it with you having read this post:
    “Broken dreams and relationships, [losses in our lives], do not need to destroy us. Instead with consciously applied inner work, they can be small doors that lead to greater wholeness” -Bob Sabath. It sounds like you are already doing some of that consciously applied inner work. I hope and pray that you will find some wholeness at the end of this process.

    • So true what you say, doors do open, right now I feel I’m having to close a lot of them. I think as time moves on and we all find our feeting again those doors will open again… i truly believe everything happens in its time.. and things will eventually fall into place.

      Thanks for dropping by Thandiwe,

  16. A very heartfelt post. I respect you for being able to go through all this and then talk about it. It puts my problems to shame. My thoughts are with you Laila, x

    • Thanks mamaji… life goes on,.. nothing stands still that’s the hardest part in dealing with a loss… no one stops and waits while you mourn and pull yourself together… no one has that luxury…

  17. Whew. Darling Princess, I am so glad you have some jewels in your support system. Dear heart, there is a story in the Bible where Moses oversees a tremendous battle. (That’s you, battling for the hearts and minds of those precious little ones, and your own sanity.) Moses gets tired, (that’s also you) and God sends friends to literally hold him up until the battle is over. (That’s me, and all of your friends around you)
    This is a terrible club, and I am sorry you are in it. All of us will be someday, in one way or another. I am asking God for guidance as I type, to give you the love and support that people like us so desperately need.
    Perhaps this may do you some good. My four children (18, 16,15, 13 at the time)
    helped their father die well from colon cancer nearly two years ago. This was terribly traumatic, I know you know exactly what I am talking about. Sometimes, though, the only way out is “through”. You are going through, and it will get better. It has for me. My children are scarred, but healing. My life is different, but good.
    My dear mother died suddenly two months ago, and I had many of the thoughts I am sure you have had, and are having. My children wept mightily at her funeral, we were close. We trooped back to the grief counselors who were so loving and kind the first time, and took each day as it came, one step, one hour, one moment at a time.
    Each friend who posts a comment, leaves me a note, buys me a coffee, stops by the office for a visit, I treasure every one. They and the God who grieves with me, get me through. It would be an honor for me to be part of your support system, unfortunately, I know exactly what you are going through. It will get better, dear heart.
    Much love, and post or comment or email any time. Seriously.

    Victoria

  18. I was reading some of your blogs , but this one ….. I do not know you , but this one really stroke me . The way you try to find your balance in between all losts and emotions …. 6 years ago I lost my father , 2 years later my mother and 2 years ago my ex-wife passed away at the age of 44 . We were divorced , yes , but she was still the mother of my 2 daughters . For a while I was in a shock , yes , offcourse sometimes you hear about things like this , but this time it was soo close … I had to face problems I never heard of , but as someone stated before : life goes on . But that doesn’t mean I do not think about all these events every day . God bless my life is quite busy : my wife , kids and my work keeps me young and after all I realize life is short and I enjoy every single day . You do well , and I hope the future will bring you all the luck , happyness and good health you deserve , greetings , Bas

  19. Sorry for your losses (May they all Rest In Peace). Your parents will be proud of you.

    I also lost a parent, my father. Though it has been 2 years still I am……lost.

    May Allah make your journey easy (Ameen)

    You can do it don’t forget even if feel alone you are not really. Allah is watching over you.Bless you

  20. Know you must be going through a lot. After all the wound is fresh. Mine never healed and I have taken the path opposite to you. In the first year I survived, I was copping well….well enough to get by but after my illness have started and getting admit three times in a row I have started losing my touch.

    But don’t you quit. I know it is hard to be strong for everyone. But one day you will be glad you made this choice.

    And you will be rewarded for it just be patient and believe in God.

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