Till Death Do Us Part – The True Face of Domestic Abuse

The continuous ringing was starting to make me feel slightly demented.

Not only was my heart beating at a million beats per minute but my legs were shaking like jelly.

The time was 3a.m.

I stared at my mobile phone, the name that kept coming up was just making me feel a deep despair.  I closed my eyes and wished for it all to go away. The name on the phone and the ringing.

The ringing stops momentarily and I feel myself drifting back into a lulled sleep, if only it could always be like this.

Suddenly my eyes open and I panic. Silence is not good at a time like this, silence can mean anything. I look at the time it’s now 3.15 am. That’s 15 minutes the phone hasn’t rang again, my heart sinks. I check my mobile and sure enough the last call was at 3am. The texts stopped too, last one 3.01am.

“Plz hurri, wer r u, khallaaa ansar da phn!!!!” From my youngest nephew. 

The one before that said “he iz gona kill her 2nite” From my oldest nephew. 

I was up and ready before I knew it. I dialled the number, she answered.

“He left” she replied to my first question.

“No, I’m not bleeding” was the answer to my next. She is such a bitch at times. All I asked her was if she was ok.

I told her I would be over in a few minutes. She wanted to know which one of the kids called me but i refused to answer. She will start a fight with them for calling me and telling me. Screaming “Our business will stay our business. We don’t anyone!” and bla bla.

I enter my mom’s bedroom and wake her gently to tell her that I am going round there. She just sighs and asks if he is there too and I reassure her that he isn’t but I must go as the kids are really upset. She tells me to make sure I lock the door on my way out and be sure to keep my mobile on me. Even before I left my mother’s bedroom I could hear her gentle snores again. My father I could tell was awake but he never spoke, he never does.

My father has done his bit and now knows that until she is ready to get out and stop shutting everyone out no on can help her. I admire him that he can switch of and turn a blind eye like he does. But then again I wonder, as I leave my house, what turmoil and despair he feels deep in his heart.

I arrive at my sister’s  house and wait at the door for it to be opened. I don’t need to knock or ring the bell because I know her young son knows I’m here. He was watching for me at his bedroom window. You see he always does.

He answers the door with his tear-stained face. I take one look at him and my eyes water and just hugs me and cries quietly into me. I hug him tightly, just hold him wishing him to feel safe in my arms. His tiny body shakes, I kneel down and in his ear I whisper.

“I’m here now, it’s ok” he sobs a little louder and clings to me a little tighter. At this point I hate this world and everyone in it, especially him and her. 

Once he has calmed down I get him to wash his face.  I take him to his bedroom and settle him back into bed. He asks me if I’m going to help his mom and I tell him I will check on her in a bit but first I want to make sure he is okay and settled back in bed. On hearing this he smiles and says a few words that just wrench at my heart and breaks it into a thousand pieces all over again. ” khala, I knew you would come” 

What else can Khala do was my thoughts. As much as we say that until you help yourself and get out we can’t do anything for her. Changing the locks,throwing him out and moving her in with us never worked. She always went back home and she always let him back in to terrorise her all over again.  We were fed up to the teeth, our attitude now was let her be, even with all the support we were willing to give her she couldn’t break free. 

My mom said that I am just waiting for the call now that he has killed her. 

Our only concern now were the kids. I checked on the other boy and he was in his bed on his mobile. He looked up at me and looked away, turned over and pretended he was going back to sleep. I never tried to talk to him, there was no point, I knew he was waiting for me to come and take over. Mop up her blood, tidy up and try to pick up the broken smashed fragments of her life, of their lives. 

I went into the kitchen freezer and removed a bag of peas, grabbed a tea towel and made my way to the lounge. 

She was sitting there watching T.V. “They shouldn’t have called you I’m fine!” I ignored her comment and handed her the bag of peas. She took it and held it to her swollen lip and then to her discoloring eye. The lip will be okay but her eye would be black and blue tomorrow, another few days it will be back to normal until the next time. 

I gave her the once over and was assured she was fine physically. Mentally? I didn’t even want to know.  Not that she was going to tell me. There wasn’t any point of me asking her what happened and why because all I would get would be defiance and lies. Never the truth, nothing that will make him look bad. Or nothing that will make her admit she is in a bad marriage and needs to desperately get out. Nothing to show the world that she made a bad decision and that her choices were a mistakes. 

I straightened up the room and got her a cold drink and sat with her for about an hour.  Eventually she fell asleep and I left to go home to my own bed. 

FACTS

* Up to one woman in four is affected by domestic violence at some stage in their life.

* More than 500,000 women are affected each year.

* Domestic violence results in the murder of more than a hundred women each year.

* Violence within same-sex relationships and from women to men is not unheard of, but the vast majority of domestic violence (estimated at over 80%) is perpetrated by men on women.

* The police receive an estimated 360,000 999 phone calls each year connected with domestic violence by men against women.

* Domestic violence occurs across all ages, ethnic groups and social classes.

* 54,000 women and children are given protection in refuges each year.

* Despite the number of incidents reported, according to the latest figures prosecutions undertaken by the Crown Prosecution Service only numbered 13,000.

* This number represents only about 15% of the estimated arrests in suspected cases of domestic violence.

* Disabled women are twice as likely to suffer domestic violence and more likely to endure abuse.

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40 responses to “Till Death Do Us Part – The True Face of Domestic Abuse

  1. My Father was a violent abuser.

    Mum learned not to give him the excuse to hit her, so he hit us instead.

    His cruelty knew no limits and I was left unable to have children of my own.

    I am 51 and he’s in his 80’s, but I still have to watch my back as he has sworn to kill me on sight.

    In his eyes I am the criminal because I told what he had done…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

      • Thanks hun – I managed to find an adoptive family and looked after Pat and Neil’s kids for 35 years, God daughter Becky and her sister Emily from birth, Dominic from 8 and Rachel from 7.

        My proudest moment was when, after tutoring her in English while she was in University Emily got a 2/2 in English.

        Needless to say I am now ill, but they now look after me! 🙂

        Love and hugs!

        Prenin.

  2. Iv been u….the sister that comforts the children, the one that wipes the tears . The one that will drive u to to the hospital with a broken jaw….the one that still has nightmares about the childrens scared faces or the violence or the blood. iv been the one that never asked because I had heard it all before …..today she will deny it was ever bad but if u look closely at me and her children you see the everlasting mental torture and scars. I wish I hadn’t read this today…it brings it all back.

  3. It is a quite painful experience. It does lead to many health as well as social problems. I strongly believe as one allows it, then it does happen, but dont you forget there women come in the same catagory. The problem is people hasnt got clue about deen they just listen to some odds mullahs here and there but never to bother to read Qura’n and Hadiths. Women dont respect there own rights so as men.

            • In reality, and in Islam, the rights and responsibilities of a woman are equal to those of man, but they are not necessarily identical with them. Equality and sameness are two very different things. I think you’ll agree that, for one thing, women and men are physically very different from one another, although they are equal to each other in other important ways.

              In the West, women may be doing the same job that men do, but their wages are often less. The rights of Western women in modern times were not created voluntarily, or out of kindness to the female. The modern Western woman reached her present position by force, and not through natural processes or mutual consent of Divine teachings. She had to force her way, and various circumstances aided her. Shortage of manpower during wars, pressure of economic needs and requirement of industry forced women to leave their homes to work, struggling for their livelihood, to appear equal to men. Whether all women are sincerely pleased with these circumstances, and whether they are happy and satisfied with the results, is a different matter. But the fact remains that whatever rights modern Western women have, they fall short of those of her Muslim counterpart! Islam has given woman what duties her female nature. It gives her full security and protects her against becoming what Western modern women themselves complain against: a “mere sex object.”

              • The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said:

                “If someone’s wife asks his permission to go to the mosque, he should not deny it to her.”

                Women should be covered Islamically, according to the Muslim woman’s dress requirements (see Her Dress).

                At the same time, a woman’s prayer in her home is better, from the standpoint of her household duties and duties as a mother. Also it is better in the sense that it prevents unnecessary mixing with men. The Prophet (SAW) also stated

                • A husband’s duty is to teach his wife the essential knowledge of Islam, in particular matters pertaining to women. If he does not know himself, then he must buy her books and tapes that would teach her or let her go to study circles where she can acquire that knowledge. She can not leave the house without his permission, but she can go to the Masjid (Mosque) without his permission. He has no right to stop her from that. Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said,

                  “Do not prevent the female servants of Allah from visiting the mosques of Allah, but they may go out (to the mosque) having not perfumed themselves.” (Ahmad and Abu Dawud)

                  “…Their houses are better for them.” (Abu Dawud)

                  • Prophet Muhammad (SAW) specifically said,

                    “Do not beat the female servants of Allah.” (Abu Dawud)

                    Allah (SWT) says in the Quran:

                    “…As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” (An-Nisa’ 4:34)

                    • this isn’t about islam and women… we know what a woman’s rights are in Islam… who doesn’t … this is about how a woman is treated in society and how society and the men in her life don’t give her the rights that she is entitled to…

                      it’s fine knowing what islam says about women… how many actually put it into practice?

                    • Women who hasnt got knowledge of Islam or her deen she cant fight for her own rights thats the simplest way I can put it.

                      Women should get marriedto a man who does have a knowledge of his deen not being born in a muslim family doesnt make one a muslim so as go for the women. 🙂

    • i think they never deal with their issues and so deal with them in violent outbursts… and they say an abuser is usually the child of an abuser… so the behaviour is just carried on and on…

  4. I agree with Bikram on this one Aneesa,
    and thank you for adding this posting as
    it reflects the weaknesses of some men,
    thankfully not all men are such cowards…

    Be very well now Aneesa 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

    • No i do know O’dark one that there are good men out there… it’s a shame domestic violence exists… but the purpose of the story was to show a family that is so used to it that for them it becomes normal and part of every day living…

      even before the aunt goes to the house…
      she knows why the phones ringing…
      her mother isn’t that disturbed by what is happening
      she just quietly goes back to sleep
      her father says nothing
      her nephew is waiting..
      she knows to settle the kids first before she deals with her sister…
      she doesn’t go straight to her because she knows she is sitting there defiantly..
      instead she goes to the freezer and gets the peas to take the swelling down.. she has already been told on the phone she is not bleeding…
      she waits with her till she falls asleep
      then quietly goes to her own home and own bed….

      it’s like all robotic and mechanical… there is no emotion from the adults in the situation…

      hope you are havng a good day

  5. Domestic violence in all forms is socially and morally unacceptable, a very inhumane act. worse still is how our Asian community sweeps it under the carpet like some bad dirt, can’t be discussed, women can’t be helped, no one to talk to until its too late, and what happens to the guy, he re- marries and adds misery to someone else. cut off their balls to start with.

    • It’s true .. there is more to this story than what i can say here … i dont have complete anonymity here to speak about it… but you are right as asians it does get dealt with differently…

      his problems were to hard to fight… he went on to terrorise other people too… his life was one big mess anyway…

  6. There is also emotional abuse that people cause one another which is equally as dispicable. No one should hit or abuse another person for any reason. Controlling behaviors, anger, threatening hitting… no way.

    Annese … this is your story about your sister? I am so sorry… this is unaccepable the only reason your sister says to keep outsiders out of it is because it’s his idea. Your father does not turn a blind eye, he doesn’t know what else to do becaue he knows she will go back, if she ever leaves a few times… I’m sorry honey. 😦

    And how are YOU doing? ARe you okay?

  7. The situation is over now… thank god.. but what triggered me to write this post was a blog i saw some nights ago…

    It was a woman from america whose sister died from domestic abuse… she tried to get out but kept going back… she wrote a letter telling him she was going to leave him… and never did… 5 months later as she was walking out the house he shot her in the back of the head 3 times and then shot himself…

    The whole blog is about their pain as a family and how they are dealing with it… it broke my hear reading it… and i suppose it just triggered something inside me to write what i did…

    read my replies to Androgoth and u will understand a bit more…

  8. Pingback: My Ex Emotionally Abused Me | M3 System Making Up Made Easy Review

  9. Very touching!! It gave me insight into how my family and son felt when I kept going back. In my case the physical abuse wasn’t nearly as bad as the emotional and mental abuse; those scars are slow healing. I remember thinking to myself,”One day he is going to kill me” and wondering how many of the women we read about being killed by their spouse knew it was inevitable yet didn’t leave. Why did I go back time after time? I think because I wanted so badly to believe he was a good person, to admit he was this horrible evil person who could kill me was so far out of my frame of reference my mind could not absorb the truth.

    Once I had gone back a few times then I stayed because I didn’t want to admit I had been wrong and my family had been right. Plus the abuser using mental abuse to make you believe if you would only stop doing this, or did that, or try harder everything would be ok. One time my son nailed it on the head when I told him JC had stopped hitting me. He said, “Mom, you’ve just stopped doing what you know will make him angry, he’s still an abuser.” And he was right, with time JC found other things to get mad about, it took a long time before I realized it really had nothing to do with me. JC wasn’t angry at me, he was just angry.

    My family turned their back on me, (except my son) and that was almost like signing my execution papers. It gave him total control and made me feel helpless and unloved, it confirmed what he always told me; that I was lucky to have him and no one else would tolerate my dysfunctional attitudes. Ironically it was HIS sister that saw what was happening and was my emotional support. She saw his abuse and kept confirming I was not crazy or paranoid, it was not my fault and she was the one (besides my son) who said JC was going to kill me.

    A friend found me a place to live for free in exchange for work fixing the place up and it was JC’s stepdad that lent me the money to fix my truck so I could go back to work. If they hadn’t been there for me I never would have left and I am sure he would have eventually killed me or I would have killed myself.

    You did good by going and showing your love for your sister and your nephews, it probably saved them. I hope they are all doing much better, your nephews must be terribly scarred. I know my son was in his teens and the man was not his father but even now in his 20’s he has told me if he saw JC he would kill him. It scares me because I believe him and it would be my fault that he would go to jail for murder, because I stayed and allowed the abuse. But at the time I was not in my right mind. Another thing my son said was that JC ruined my life. I said, ” No Kris, he can’t ruin my life if I don’t allow it. If I allow him to control me with fear, regrets, and hatred THEN he will have ruined my life”

    A very touching account of how far reaching domestic abuse is. Society has a long way to go before the problem is truly understood.
    LWT

    • i wanted to portray in the story how abuse in some families becomes normal.. almost like a routine.. that’s how it was for us.. we could tell and predict straight away what was going to happen next and what she would do next…

      We knew exactly what to do and when… it was so mechanical… it’s almost frightening even now thinking about it…

      Truth is he was a junkie and she held out thinking things would get back to normal if he get of the drugs which he never did… there is so much to this story that i could write but feel i cant… too many people are hurting …

      It’s been a while that the abuser is out of their lives… you asked if the sons were emotionally scarred… yeah they are very much so … we all are…

      I don’t think we can ever recover from such a thing… my whole body would many a time freeze just when the phone would ring.. the dread that would seep through me to my toes .. not knowing what she was going to tell me…

      Things did eventually come to a head.. in pure dramatic style.. of course what else could happen when he was constantly out of his face on drugs…

      She too has tried to move on.. you say you thought he we was going to kill you… well in his own way he did kill her… she is not the person she was .. she is bitter twisted and the most of awful person you can come across. the things she did for him and the things she has done to recover what she lost because of him has made her the ugliest person i know… we can barely say two words to each other without having a fight or argument…

      There is so much to say … even today.. but we cant find the words.. or she has closed doors that she will never let open… never let us the see the true horror of what really went on or the true horror of her heart and mind…

      I sometimes used to wonder how she slept at night… and where she found the strength to get up the next day and carry on as normal… until the next time…

      I can only wish you the best in life… and want to congratulate on getting out coz sadly many don’t .. they are either still living it or they die…

      Those abusers are cowards who need to use a fist and kick to make a point.. they will never rest in peace… and their commupence starts on this earth… hellfire never waits for such men… When u look around at men who have abused they are never happy.. there is something always wrong in their lives… they have their own hell to deal with while they are still alive and may god give them more… and when they do eventually reach that hellfire .. may they burn for eterntiy … taking a new birth again again and going in again and again… coz to burn once is not enough.. may their sole never rest in peace…

  10. Couldn’t agree more Aneesa! 😦

    If there’s a Hell it’s waiting for my father who to this day hates me because I told people what he had done.

    I will have to watch my back until he dies, but that may be some time and he now denies that any of it happened – despite being excluded by all our extended family apart from Keith who became a born again Christian and ‘forgave’ him…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

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