You are my reasons…

As I sit in the bus this beautiful spring morning I look down at my scarred wrists and wonder how life has turned out without you. What it was meant to be and what should have been. 

I’ve changed a lot you know, you wouldn’t recognise me now. I’m not the young rebellious teenager you fell  in love  with and I’m not the young, spirited, selfish and spoilt girl you loved so much. not anymore. As I run my finger along the careless scars I notice that today they seem more prominent than ever. You were my reasons…

As I disembark the bus, I see your sister standing there waiting for me, just as I knew she would be. We never miss this day, once a year we do this. You will be surprised how close we have become since… you are the reason… 

We look at each other and our eyes well up, it’s always so emotional meeting her. Somehow, she just looks at me like this and her eyes water, our eyes water, she says it’s because when she sees me she is reminded of you and how amazing you were. how you were capable of loving and being responsible. Of how you were able to show your family that you could do the right thing when it mattered. you were her reasons.. 

When we hug, finally, I feel some comfort because she is holding me so tightly and I realise how much I needed this. It seems an eternity before we finally let go and make our way into the bistro nearby. 

We order and sit quietly, we don’t need to speak because that’s not really why we’re here. You would laugh if you saw us sitting like this now,  if  you remember all we did was argue and fight. If someone told you then that one day we would find comfort in each other and would be each others rock you would have run both hands through your hair, rolled your eyes and said “No way, them two? Never! pigs will fly first!” You are our reason… 

I look at her and wonder if she still remembers those fights and arguments. she breaks into my thoughts with her own thoughts and questions “How are you? no.. never mind.. I know… I miss him you know.. more as each day comes… ” 

I know what she means because I love you more than I did before. just because you are gone it doesn’t mean I just stop loving you. We never had a fight, we never split up like couples do. We never fell out of love. we just never stopped… you don’t just stop do you? Have you? 

She takes my hands in her hands and together our eyes well up again, she looks at my scars, runs her fingers over them and raises my hands to her lips and kisses the scars. She whispers “I’m so glad you are still here with us” a sob escapes from the back of my throat and I pull my hands away and put them in my lap. I stare down at them, I’m not proud of them either because it was my moment of weakness and also a reminder of a pain that will never leave me. You are those reasons…

We wont talk about anything that’s happened, we don’t need to, we both know. We just need each other today. Just to be with someone who understands and knows what we both have lost. we know because we both loved you without doubt, reason or needs.

You know three years on, those that we were there  will still comment on that day. Some of it I remember and some of it I don’t want to. “As the life support was switched of your screams could be heard piercing the hospital walls.” If the walls could hear them  and pass through to people down the corridor, on other wards, why couldn’t you hear them? why couldn’t  you hear me cry out your name? why couldn’t your hear me begging you not to leave me? why didn’t you open your eyes just once and see my tears because my tears could win you over anyday. I was so convinced you would open those eyes and see me, see my pain, my tears, my hysteria, my fear and never go… why! why! why! those walls heard me, those damn walls. I remember pounding them with my fists and trying to, just trying and trying to feel something inside me, instead of this numbness that had succumbed me. Just trying to even forget. Just trying to tell myself it’s not me, this is someone else. Just trying to wake up from this bad dream, this nightmare.

It was never a dream. A dream was what we had together, what we planned, what we wanted. Today we would be married living in our dream home with a  little boy just like you and a little girl just like me. 

I still remember the day you came to my graduation holding a large brown envelope and a big grin on your face. You were looking devilishly handsome with your striking suit and ruffled hair. later I was to find out you bought me my dream home as a gift. The brown envelope contained the details and the key. Now that was dreams. dreams coming true. 

I’m just a shadow now I stand thinking as I say goodbye to your sister. Our hugs are tighter than the earlier ones. We are so emotional to the point we can’t let go of each other. You see we are both a part of you and we just can’t let go. letting go of each other is like losing you all over again…

I know one day we will meet again, I think of my scars and know now, it will be when god wills it. I’m waiting for that time with anticipation. yes I know you’re surprised and even shocked to hear this because you know how much I feared it. But not anymore because I know it will bring me to you.. so eagerly I wait and will embrace it when the time comes.. because you will always be all my reasons… 


34 responses to “You are my reasons…

  1. it’s brought tears to my eyes neeso 😦
    its absoloutely beautiful ur doing an amazing job on ere
    im always here for u no matter wat!!!
    love u loadz siso!!!!
    muwaaah XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

  2. Neesuuu this is awsome reeli gudd I enjoyed reading that it was interesting lol . Gets to ut heart tho 😦 but it was gud x

  3. this brought tears to my eyes, i know what its like to loose someone tragically and that feeling of being able to just sit with someone who gets how your feeling. this is amazing. x

    • His sister is an amazing person and a great comfort, dont know what i would have done without her. To have someone that u dont need to explain anything to and just know and they know..

  4. Aneesa I have never read something so beautiful and emotionally draining.I still have a lump in my throat as I’m writing to you and the tears from my eyes are welled up and I know if I blink my cheeks will be soaked……..

    • You can’t write something like this in minimum words. The reason i never put in a page break was because i wanted the reader to get the full impact of the story… i took an executive editorial decision…
      ahem! ahem! yours can be quite longish too you know.. 😛

  5. Maybe I should have understood from the title that the story was something like that.

    It reminded me of many things I had in my dreams and how these broke up all of a sudden. It’s not like I forgot them, I always have them in my mind– killing me all the time, but this story just made it stronger.

    But in the end I must say an amazing writing here.

    • I like posting what I see and like… if its music a news report and it interests me.. i will post it.. and if i’m in the mood for writing or ranting I will rant it.. 🙂

      But in future I will be clear if it’s my own writing..

  6. Beautiful and soooo sad.

    Always remember you are not alone – been there, done that – and you’ll always be my friend.

    Love and squishy hugs!


    • Mahlaqa you know I wrote this at a really low point in my life one day… I still remember I couldn’t see the screen for the tears… I think there were more tear drops than there were words typed…

      Thanks for your prayers and wishes… Suma Ameen

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