My Heart An Enemy A terrorist!

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It’s amazing how time passes and in our hearts we are still standing still. Sometimes just waiting and hoping and sometimes simply because we can’t move on.

Wouldn’t it be great that when we make a decision in our heads which we know is right, our hearts would follow too?

It could be anything from simple matters to the affairs of the heart. I find myself in this turmoil many a time. Where my heart says something and my head is off in the opposite direction or vice versa.

Common sense prevails but the heart doesn’t understand this. It beats inside of me, it’s mines, yet it leads me into turmoil, heartache and pain. Very often I think my heart is my enemy, it goes against me on most decisions I make. When I let it have it’s own way it dances in my chest and beats a million beats to a minute. It won’t let me sleep eat or drink. It makes me goofy at times, speechless and very very dumb. Sometimes I think I’m flying, soaring above everything and everyone. No one can touch me I’m invincible. Or so I thought.

It’s almost like it’run out of petrol. Somewhere in your head there’s a voice telling you it’s not going to last very long. You will come down, you will crash, this dancing has to stop and sure enough it does.

It’s very painful knowing you knew better but followed your heart anyway. It’s excruciating trying to kick yourself for it but, no worries plenty of people around to do it for you. To remind you how incredibly dumb you are. The thing is, you knew it was the wrong way to go but, at this point it’s now irrelevant.

Nothing matters of what you knew because, if u didn’t have the power to not make irrational decisions then, where u going to find the power now to fix them or get over them?

All I can say is, there is no bigger terrorist in this world than your very own heart and if I didn’t need it so much I’d have shot it long ago.

Who are you really?

If we all could choose to be anyone we wanted to be who would we choose? Or what would we want to be? Or could we simply think “no this is who I am and I’m sticking with it!”

I recently came across something disturbing and realised that as much as we think we know someone how well do we know them? When we doubt their authenticity and its being denied do we trust our instincts or do we choose to trust the very person we doubt?

I think I knew from day one that all was not right. But decided to give the benefit of doubt. I didn’t really care to be honest. After all Internet friendships/relationships come with certain elements of fantasies and extravaganza. So what the hell if someone wants to pretend they are someone or something else.

But as time goes you get tired of the pretence. It gets to the stage you just want a little bit of genuineness and some honesty. For someone to just take your friendship seriously and respect you enough to reveal their true selves. To know and trust you when you say “I know, but it doesn’t matter, lets just be honest with one another”

Sadness is when they’re not ready or too scared to step out of the trap they find themselves in, to move into a genuine honest and unconditional friendship. What they don’t realise that eventually they too will tire of the pretence, lies, cover ups and fantasies and by then it will be too late they will have gone too far and too deep to turn back.

So what does that say about them or us? What sort of society do we live on where we fear to be ourselves and pretend to be someone else? Is it that we feel that we will only be accepted if we are beautiful/handsome, rich, desired or amazing?

I guess the Internet allows people to deal with insecurities in the worst way possible. Rather than trying to be ourselves many have found this medium to hide their true identities and live in a world that while appears fun and amazing you eventually realise its just a painful fantasy that will never come true and one u can never escape from. It’s heaven trapped in hell.

I’m always inside you

Is it helping
The silence, The emptying
Of your soul

Does it feel good
The emptiness? The loneliness
Your heart so cold?

Do you ignore it? Or push it
To the back of your head

Or do you wish
Somewhere, all the feelings were
Gone from inside, dead.

When you wake up
In the morning and realise
I’m still here and so is she
Inside my head….

Since you took your love away

As I say good bye to each day
I die inside a little more
It’s another day since you
Took your love away

Never thought I could cry each day
Shed tears, my eyes so sore.
It’s another day I’m learning
To live with out you.

How do I learn not to
Love you no more
How do I learn
To not want you no more.

I close my eyes and wish
To not feel you no more
I close my eyes and wish
I was no more.

I wanna go back in time
Where you never were
It’s impossible going forward
Knowing you were there.