The beginning of the end…

A million ways to say goodbye and I sadly walked away
Couldn’t bear to see the sorrow or a tear fall from your eye
Think of me happy with fond memories and a time I made you smile
Maybe not today or tomorrow I understand it could take a while
I won’t turn round to look I’ll carry on walking I won’t let you see my pain
I won’t answer the phone we won’t be talking don’t call again
Best you don’t reach out and no messages to you I’ll send
Let’s pretend we never happened there was no us then there will be no end….

Each Day At A Time.

It takes a lifetime to realize many things in life then there are times it takes a split second for everything to hit you smack bang in the face.

Yeah, I know I’ve been away a while but things have been hectic of the past months. A family member is not keeping well. So trips in and out of hospital are now an ongoing thing. I’d love to go into more detail and tell you guys more about it but she reads this blog sometimes so I really have to respect her privacy.

But the stress of it all is sometimes too much to bear and banging heads of walls is not helping either. We are at a stage in the treatment where nothing is working. Time and again we are ending up back to square one with the side effects of each drug taking it’s toll on her body and mind.

It’s amazing how isolated one can feel in an illness when the world is full of ill people. Our weekly trips to the hospital shows just how ill some people are and how worse off. It brings it home that we are lucky our situation isn’t as serious as some but it’s still a situation and we are dealing with it. So each day as it comes is what they always say.

Someone asked the other day how after everything I go through how do I manage to be so strong and keep positive. I guess like always, I’m just grateful for what is positive in my life and try to see the rest as a test.

Other than this dominating our lives at the moment there’s nothing really else to tell you guys.

Oh yeah just remembered the wonderful Facebook deactivated my account so had to make a new one. Please if you were added in my old one or wish to be added in my new account then drop me a request. Miss you all.. here’s the link http://www.facebook.com/aneesa.bashir.71

 

 

 

Yes, I am here or am I?

The temperature outside was soaring high… I stood on the balcony of our rented apartment and found myself shielding my eyes from the sun, it was only 10am. I sighed and went back to bed, there was no way we could go out in this heat.

It was our second day in the city of Jeddah and I was so relaxed and happy. Umrah and Medina had been amazing but I was exhausted. The summer flu I had caught in Medina was gradually wearing off but it had taken a toll on my body, it was like the energy had been drained out of me. Rest and plenty of it was what was needed. But I knew I had to grasp it when I could as this beautiful city had to be explored and we didn’t have many days left in our trip here.

20120828-104045.jpg I was blessed I truly was. When I entered the Haram Shareef and walked the walk towards the Ka’ba my heart soared and my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking in my heart “Am I really here, again!” This was my second trip to this blessed city. First time I was in awe that finally I was actually seeing something I’d only heard about and seen on TV and in books, I was here. I said in my heart to my beloved creator “You must truly love me to bring me here” This time was no different. The tears welled up in my eyes, the lump in my throat got bigger, I was speechless. Yes! me Speechless! “Ya Allah! you must really love me to bring me here again! Ya Allah…”

You are right I was emotional. The tears started to flow, I couldn’t see where I was going, I had to stop and regain my composure but I couldn’t I was too overwhelmed.

Suddenly every pain and hurt that I’d suffered in the past started to race through my mind, it was like I was telling Him look what I’ve been through, I am hurting I am in pain that is why I’m here. I want you to heal me, give me peace and let me sleep, just want to sleep in peace. Help me, I am here because I need your help.

It was all rushing to me at once. I was shocked and disturbed at my reaction as I hadn’t planned or thought about anything. The journey had been exhausting from Glasgow, we had been travelling for over 24 hours before we arrived in Mekkah. My mind was more on performing Umrah rather than anything else. I was nervous and excited entering the Harram, I had butterflies in my stomach but that hadn’t bothered me much.

This second time I suppose I was maturer and understood more and the significance of being here. I sat on the steps that led down to the area where the ka’ba stands and let the tears flow. I was exhausted, my journey was longer than the 24 hours it had taken to get here. When you decide to come here that is when your emotional journey begins. You think about it, you wonder about it and sometimes you even dream about it. You have things in your heart you want to say and pray, each step you take here is of great significance. From the moment you enter the Harram and you start walking towards what is the very centre of your existence. There is a prayer, a thought, a moment with every step.

I was here, but am I really here? In heart and soul have I truly arrived? It’s crazy questions but you can’t stop thinking is this it? Is this really it?

To be continued…

 

Prince Kael

dungeons & dragons online 15As she hid behind the cold dark wall she could hear Dana walking furiously around the dungeon leashing her wrath on the poor prince.

Dana: I will only ask once again then not even God can help you, Who is she Kael? Who is she that you dare utter her name in my presence?

Her voice shrieked around the dungeon, the sound of her cracking her whip made Laila jump and fear for her poor prince even more. She had to get him out of here, out of this mad woman’s clutches and out of this dark, dreary, freezing,cold dungeon.

She could hear the tap of her heels as she moved around muttering obscenities, threats and for a moment she could almost have believed Dana was an evil witch. She certainly wouldn’t have been surprised to see a cauldron in the corner.

Dana: You are mine only mine! You are my slave, there is no room for any other bitch in this world. (she leans down and grabs the back of his hair) I will find her and kill her ( she whispers in his ear viscously) She will die, I promise you.

She starts to leave the dungeon, stops and turns

Dana: She will die! I promise you!

Prince kael : No my mistress please spare her. She is no threat to you, I will serve you always but please I beg you the Princess is of no harm to anyone.

She turns stunned and walks back over to Prince Kael and looks at his limp exhausted body clamped to the chains in the wall. He was bruised from head to foot and bleeding wounds were going crusty and new ones were still bleeding. She wondered why he made her treat him so badly and why she loved hurting him so much. Then she remembered…

Dana: Kael you are mine and until you dont stop muttering that bitches name in your sleep… I wont let you sleep.

With this she kicks him hard in the ribs and leaves promising to be back shortly with some boiling oil. The princess winces on hearing this and panics, she know she needs to get him out of there and fast.

Princess Laila waits till she can no longer hear the tap tap of her magnificent heels and runs to him. She is shocked to see his state and what Dana has done to him. He is stunned to see her there in all her beauty and sweetness. She truly looks like a sweet angel that has come to him from heaven in her long beige gold embroidered dress that seems to fall down to her feet and trail behind her. But her crying is upsetting him he tries to speak but no words are coming out.

Princess Laila: Oh Kael my sweet love, what has she done to you. Look at you, oh look at you. How can she hurt you like this, how could she be so evil.

Prince Kale: Laila my sweet princess…what are you doing here… you must leave… go… I will be fine… just go… she mustn’t catch you here…

Princess Laila: No I can’t leave you like this… we have are leaving here together… look I poisoned the guard and got the key to these chains… darling you need to try and get up now so we can go she will be back soon…

Prince kael: No she will catch us I’m in too much pain, my injuries are too bad.. go back the way you came in… don’t let her catch you here… go .. she will kill you.

Princess Laila: No, I won’t leave you here… then I have to kill her if you can’t come with me… I will kill her!

Suddenly Dana appeared from nowhere with two guards and screams “Guards grab her!” Before the princess knew what was happening she was being dragged to the wall next to her prince and was being cuffed in chains.

Prince Kael: No Dana, don’t hurt her… do what you want to me… but leave her alone.

Princess Laila: Don’t you dare touch him! you evil witch… I will make you pay for what you have done to him… you will suffer ten times more.

Dana slaps her hard across the face and again and again till she sees blood dripping from the corner of her lip… she touches it with the tip of her finger tip and licks it… “Sweet, too sweet”

She walks over to the prince and sticks her spiky boot in his face… he knows instantly what she wants… he begins to lick it starting from the bottom upwards as she reaches the top of her boot she hisses “Don’t you dare stop!” The guards turn their backs to her and their faces the other way and the princess closes her eyes and tries to drown out the noises of this despicable act.

As the dungeon fills with the echoes of Danah’s relish of her boots and thighs being licked the princess cries can be heard too.

Dana: She doesn’t shut up… the other boot now…

The prince is on his knees trying to please his dark mistress just so she wont torture or hurt his beloved. He couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to her.

Prince Kael: Please release her let her go… I will do anything you ask… anything…

Dana: Anything?

Prince Kael: Yes, anything, you just need say.

An evil smile spreads across Dana’s face and she orders the guards to turn around…”let the games begin he is all yours” The guards move forward and grab the prince by the arm and drag him to a sodden mattress in the corner of the dungeon…

Dana: You will be punished for taking another’s name in my presence and telling me what to do. Guards he is yours.

The princess screamed as her lover was tortured in the most unnatural way known to her. She cried as his ordeal went on and on. Her brave prince never cried out once or let her see that he was feeling any pain. So brave was her prince.

Finally Dana ordered for her to be released and demanded she leave her dungeon immediately. The princess refused to leave without her beloved prince.

Dana: The prince stays, we have unfinished business.

Princess Laila: I won’t leave without him… you can’t keep him here and if you wont let him go then you will have to keep me here to.

Dana hearing this gasped in shock… the last thing she wanted was this princess getting in her way… she was a nuisance and her crying was starting to get on her nerves… plus the dress she was wearing was too pretty for a dungeon.

Prince Kael: Let us go, you have got what you wanted… now let us go… or one of us will die here tonight…

Dana: If you leave Kael I will hunt you down and have you killed, this isn’t over.

Prince Kael: Not if I find you first… let my princess go… and let me take her away from here… this isn’t where she belongs..

Dana: Take her she was starting to get on my nerves anyway… make sure she never shows me her face again…

Secretly she wanted to torture her more but her crying was too much and it was clear if the prince bled anymore this bitch would scream till the dungeon walls fell down.

As the princess helped the prince up who could barely walk.. they moved towards the staircase suddenly Dana’s voice boomed out…

Dana: Prince Kael aren’t you forgetting something…

The prince told the princess to wait and went to Dana and bowed before her and whispered… “I’m sorry my mistress… I’m sorry she found us… I’ll be back as soon as I drop her off at home and will be back for my punishment.. Oh and please don’t let the guards go yet, especially the big black one” With this he kissed her boots and left with his princess into the dark of the night… only to return again in a few hours…

You Don’t Know

There are things that I could tell you that would make your toes curl and your hair turn white…

There are things that I could tell you that would make you wonder and even give you a fright…

There are things I could tell you that will make you run to mommy and cry all night…

Because had you not wasted time on making your perfect mould. And had you not wanted me to be as good as gold. You will have noticed it was all true what you were told.

There were no lies from your little spies. It was all true what they saw with their beady little eyes.

I’m not perfect and I’m no angel. I’m not going to be part of your idealistic world or your pawn. I am who I am and I stand proud and loud to say “I am! oh I am! the devils spawn.”

Love and Time

One upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.Love was te only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,

“Richness, can you take me with you?”

Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. “Vanity, please help me!”

“I can’t help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat,” Vanity answered.Sadness was close by so Love asked, “Sadness, let me go with you.”

“Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come, Love, I will take you.” It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder,Love asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who Helped me?”

“It was Time,” Knowledge answered.

“Time?” asked Love. “But why did Time help me?”

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, “Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is.”

Taken from the net

Where Are My Tomorrows.

My sweet love,
missing you 
missing you so much 
Reaching out, 
missing you 
missing your touch. 

My sweet darling, 
your sea of sorrows are drowning
drowning me another death. 
Dry your eyes, 
think of life 
think of your tomorrows. 

You were my life, 
you were not just my yesterday 
You were my every breath 
my everyday. 

My soul dies a million deaths 
watching you 
from the heavens above. 
Be brave, 
learn to live again 
for me my sweet love. 

How can pain be so sweet 
yet hurt so much. 
When I reach out 
and can't find you 
can't find your sweet loving touch. 

Shhhh you will always 
dance inside my soul, 
eternity is ours. 
I'm counting the weeks 
days and hours. 
Again you will be mine, 
forever till the end of time. 

My dreams 
my thoughts 
a sweet bitter melody 
All in your sweet 
loving painful memory. 

Dry your tears 
Let me be the one 
Who still takes Away your fears. 
Your sorrows Who gives you back your tomorrows. 
You are mine 
forever mine 

There is no door 
No stairs to you 
To dance in your soul 
Don't try to console me 
Just words 
empty words 
This soul is forever lost 
Gone forever gone... 

Oh my sweet love 
my darling love 
Have faith in the 
Heavens above 
The angels too hear your cries 
Here in paradise. 
Patience my love 
My sweet sweet love. 

I beg you to set me free 
Of this pain and memory 
My heart my soul 
can no long bear 
this desire 
Smouldering smoking fire
Embers n Ashes
Dust to dust