Yes, I am here or am I?

The temperature outside was soaring high… I stood on the balcony of our rented apartment and found myself shielding my eyes from the sun, it was only 10am. I sighed and went back to bed, there was no way we could go out in this heat.

It was our second day in the city of Jeddah and I was so relaxed and happy. Umrah and Medina had been amazing but I was exhausted. The summer flu I had caught in Medina was gradually wearing off but it had taken a toll on my body, it was like the energy had been drained out of me. Rest and plenty of it was what was needed. But I knew I had to grasp it when I could as this beautiful city had to be explored and we didn’t have many days left in our trip here.

 I was blessed I truly was. When I entered the Haram Shareef and walked the walk towards the Ka’ba my heart soared and my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking in my heart “Am I really here, again!” This was my second trip to this blessed city. First time I was in awe that finally I was actually seeing something I’d only heard about and seen on TV and in books, I was here. I said in my heart to my beloved creator “You must truly love me to bring me here” This time was no different. The tears welled up in my eyes, the lump in my throat got bigger, I was speechless. Yes! me Speechless! “Ya Allah! you must really love me to bring me here again! Ya Allah…”

You are right I was emotional. The tears started to flow, I couldn’t see where I was going, I had to stop and regain my composure but I couldn’t I was too overwhelmed.

Suddenly every pain and hurt that I’d suffered in the past started to race through my mind, it was like I was telling Him look what I’ve been through, I am hurting I am in pain that is why I’m here. I want you to heal me, give me peace and let me sleep, just want to sleep in peace. Help me, I am here because I need your help.

It was all rushing to me at once. I was shocked and disturbed at my reaction as I hadn’t planned or thought about anything. The journey had been exhausting from Glasgow, we had been travelling for over 24 hours before we arrived in Mekkah. My mind was more on performing Umrah rather than anything else. I was nervous and excited entering the Harram, I had butterflies in my stomach but that hadn’t bothered me much.

This second time I suppose I was maturer and understood more and the significance of being here. I sat on the steps that led down to the area where the ka’ba stands and let the tears flow. I was exhausted, my journey was longer than the 24 hours it had taken to get here. When you decide to come here that is when your emotional journey begins. You think about it, you wonder about it and sometimes you even dream about it. You have things in your heart you want to say and pray, each step you take here is of great significance. From the moment you enter the Harram and you start walking towards what is the very centre of your existence. There is a prayer, a thought, a moment with every step.

I was here, but am I really here? In heart and soul have I truly arrived? It’s crazy questions but you can’t stop thinking is this it? Is this really it?

To be continued…